I’m jazzed! Yesterday, I challenged my loyal blog readers to critique Laura’s one-sentence summary of her novel. We’ve been obsessing on one-sentence summaries for two full weeks now. (If you’re going to obsess on something, it might as well be important, and this topic is.)
To refresh your memory, here is Laura’s first cut at a one-sentence summary:
A savy businesswoman dumps it all for aspirations to be a groom on a dude ranch.
The sentence is a fine start, but it needs fine-tuning. Here are the points that many of you picked up on:
1) “Savvy” is spelled with two “v”s.
2) “Groom” makes you think she’s a guy getting married.
3) “aspirations” is really a needless word here.
4) The story as given lacks conflict. We don’t know what problem she faces at the dude ranch that makes her life worse than it was before.
5) “A savvy businesswoman” is good, but it could be sharpened into something with more intrinsic conflict that explains the flight from Fortune Five-hundred in favor of feisty fillies. It would be very helpful to know our heroine’s reason for leaving, but it’s even more important to know what genre we’re working with. The one-sentence summary should always tell you what the genre is, some way or another.
So let’s consider some options. Here are some possible genres, and some possible ways to tweak Laura’s sentence. These are a bit wordy, because I’m whipping them out quickly without taking time to really sharpen them up.
Comedy: A corporate bigwig dumps her job to work on a dude ranch, but discovers she’s allergic to horses.
Romance: A love-starved CFO leaves her Fortune 500 company to pursue a John Wayne lookalike on his dude ranch.
Suspense: After a deal with the Mafia goes awry, a female CEO goes incognito at a dude ranch.
Horror Spoof: After attempting suicide at corporate headquarters, a zombie woman cannot be released until she mucks out 1000 stalls on a dude ranch.
Spiritual: A newly widowed businesswoman seeks meaning by leaving corporate America for the simple life on a dude ranch.
Laura, the ball’s in your court. I think we have more work to do, but we’ll need you to fill us in on the story a little bit more. What’s the genre and what is our heroine’s conflict once she starts mucking those stalls out?
We have time for one more today. I’ll take Gerhi’s comment/question, since he contributed significantly to critiquing Laura. Gerhi wrote his latest one-sentence summary here:
A disengaged father steal back his three year old son from a mirror dimension.
My question: How do I put into that one line a sense that I hope a lot of the book will be humorous even though the concept is serious? In other words, when do you indicate the style of writing?
Randy sez: Put in some humor, absolutely! That proves you can, which is something you have to show the editor. You can’t just tell the editor, “I’m so funny, people fall on the floor laughing when they hear my jokes.” So if your story is humorous, it really would be a fine idea to make the one-sentence summary funny. This isn’t always easy, since there are different types of humor. If you are good at one-liners, then your one-sentence summary is a great place to show it off. If your humor is more the “build the joke slowly, get it rolling, and milk the audience for laugh after laugh,” then that’s VERY hard to show in a one-sentence summary.
I happen to be pretty decent at one-liners. However, I won’t contribute one here, for two reasons:
1) I don’t know the story well enough.
2) The humor in a one-sentence summary is an advertisement for what you can do, and so it might be considered deceptive if an editor found out that your hilarious sentence came from me.
So Gerhi, I would challenge you to write a one-sentence summary that tells your essential conflict and has a humorous kicker at the end. I have no idea how best to do that, but if you can pull it off, you’ll likely have a winner. Let us know if you come up with one. I think we’ll all be interested to hear it.
I have been following these posts, honest, but work his kept me from sitting down and hammering out this one sentence.
Can I come in the game late? Well, I will anyway:
A young slave hunts the galaxy for the man he was accused to be—his father, the dead emperor.
I don’t think it’s strong enough, but it’s a whole lot better than what I had. I keep tripping over the middle part. Any help would be appreciated!
I’m poking in again with a last minute amendment:
A young slave hunts the galaxy to prove he is not the dead emperor’s son.
Is it better?
Hi Cate,
The only fantasy that I’ve ever read, was “The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” which I enjoyed very much.
In my opinion, the first part of your sentence is perfect but the last 5 words confuse me. Do the accusers believe that the slave is his late father incarnated? How serious is the accusation and what are the consequences? Does he hope to find his father’s ghost? His immortal soul?
I believe these words MUST be a teethkicker.
Good luck!
“After stealing his young son back from a mirror dimension, a myopic father decides to blow up the main branch of Seers & Roebuck.”
Sorry Cate! I was busy typing and failed to see your second post.
Cate. Idea is fine but we need to know why the slave has to prove it. will he die if he doesn’t? will someone he loves? will the galaxy be destroyed?
Cate, ss there anyone trying to stop him, any pressure on him to do it quickly?
What’s catching me is trying to fit all this into one sentence: the fuse is the slave being accused of being his dead father–and the rest is him learning his father might be alive and trying to find him for both personal absolution and because his father’s alive-ness will rally the people to the underground to fight against the government trying to destroy them.
Okay. Fit that into a sentence…just one sentence. It doesn’t quite make sense without each of those essential elements. (Urgh!) Well, guess I just joined the club.
I love Hitchiker’s Guide, by the way. 6X7=42. 🙂 (thanks!)
In order to save himself and his country, a young slave roams the galaxy in search of his exciled father.
I’ve been sick, so I missed some posts.
“A disengaged father steal back his three year old son from a mirror dimension.”
Disengaged won’t add to the comedy. If the father doesn’t care, why would he want to steal his son back? Just a thought.
I was also thinking about the mirror dimension. What if the son comes back backwards? What would that look like? How funny can that be? HA! You know the effects a mirror has ~ it flips everything. Then the father has to send his son BACK to the mirror and do everything opposite to get him back again. I think the potential for hilarity is high and some really neat things can happen.
I’ve been following this discussion and chewing over my own sentence. Looking at the different offerings is interesting and helpful. Randy, I love the variations on Laura’s businesswoman.
Cate, I like the “young slave hunts the galaxy” and ending with the kick that the hunted is his father, the emperor. That’s good contrast. Was the father killed by the current government? Is that why the boy’s a slave? How’s this? “A young slave hunts the galaxy for the one man who can topple the government—his father, the dead emperor.”
Daan, you’ve hooked me with the rescue and plans for an explosion. “Myopic” doesn’t work for me, if I’ve understood your previous posts. I’m literally myopic and that’s how I take the word, but you mean something different. Dysfunctional? That’s over-used and not specific, but maybe it’ll suggest something else.
Hoping this won’t be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back, I’ll venture my own sentence:
An overprotective single mother resists hunting her estranged brother’s money for a ruthless drug lord.
Damn, the ball is back in my court (If Randy fixed up my one-liner to be great I would have split the royalties – Does 99.999% for me and .0001% for you sound about right?)
For me the real kicker of the story lies in the fact that it is a tragi-comedy. But I don’t want to give it away because it will all come down to the last three pages.
Pam, here’s part of my mirror concept, and partly where some humour lies – When the father travels to the mirror dimension he has to turn himself inside out to get there, by turning him inside out he flips over and become a woman.
A second part of the comedy lies in living with a three year old. You either have a sense of humour or an anxiety attack. For the mirror dimension stuff to work you have to see the world through the eyes of a toddler.
What I mean with “disengaged” is that the father does not take his son and his parenting seriously. Therefore he does not relate well with a three year old (another source of comedy) but, he is still a father and his sense of responsibility (or at least fear of his wife’s wrath) make him act.
I am typing this comment with no end in sight because unfortunately I think I am the slow kind of humour guy. So, a difficult job of throwing a “funny” one liner out there.
Just by swapping serious words for funny words (Scott Adams’ concept) this is a first try:
“A dorky dad does a gender bender to steal his toddler son from a deranged dimension.”
It’s sixteen words though, so not amazing yet.
Randy, I love how you tailored the one sentence summary to genres. It’s making me rethink my one sentence summary, again. Thanks!
>After attempting suicide at corporate headquarters, a zombie woman cannot be released until she mucks out 1000 stalls on a dude ranch.
LOL, Randy.
I am beginning to feel like I do when they rearrange my favorite store — just when I figure out where where everything is — they move it. Just when I think I have this one liner thing figured out, there’s something new to learn. Which is amazing, isn’t it? I mean, that there are innumerable ways in which to skin a summary?
Randy,
Thanks for critiquing my one sentence summary. We got a kick out of the bagpipe idea because my son plays the bagpipe!
I’ll have to do some thinking on your suggestions!
Randy,
On the genre question, is that most important for the various levels of the publishing process, or for the reader? I think most covers spell the genre out pretty clearly with the artwork. I could recognize techno-thriller, sci-fi, romance, fantasy, historical fiction and chick lit at a glance. I’m not sure right off hand what a humor cover would look like, except as it fit into one of the above categories. Mystery goes more by the title than the cover.
But you definitely have to know the genre to take a stab at helping with somebody’s one-liner.
Gerhi, I’m sorry — I read Daan’s twist on your dimension-hopping Dad sentence, and didn’t process that it couldn’t be real because it wasn’t yours. That shows the kind of brain day I’m having. (But that sounds like a funny story!) I like the dorky dad one you posted, especially the “steal toddler from deranged dimension” part. Is there a stronger word than “dorky”?
Gang,
Laura weighing in on genre. Randy, you crack me up – and frankly some of those plots sound interesting – hmmm a zombie Accountant? That character’s been done so many times it’s hard to get a fresh angle – but I digress.
This will be a Women’s Fiction novel. She is the Controller (Head accountant) of an up and coming “hip” fashion accessory company. When she finds out the charismatic owner is basically a crook and confronts him, he gives her the choice to leave or be fired. She’s bought into the American Dream, not to mention the So. Ca. lifestyle, and finds herself on the street with a tarnished career and major burnout. Chucks it all and decides ambition is way overrated. Decides to go find something to do that she loves instead.
She doesn’t go looking for the job as a groom, just kind of falls into it. As you can imagine, the ranch owner becomes the hero.
Sorry to go on and on, but want everyone to have an idea of the plot.
Please continue to tear up the sentence!
Gerhi, I love your twist on your sentence–I’d pick up that book!
Made me giggle when you explain the man/woman thing.
Joanna: Does she resist hunting it FOR the drug lord, or BECAUSE OF the drug lord?
From Daan and Joanna’s help, I have an ammendment:
To save himself and his people, a young slave hunts the galaxy for his father, the murdered emperor.
Is this slave the Emperor’s bastard, a lookalike, or the true scion and rallying point of the collapsing Empire?
Cate, I like your first version best. It sounds more intriguiing that they thought he was his father and more powerful than just “the dead emperor’s son,” especially if he may not really be dead. It would be enough to make me want to read it.
Joanna, if your protag resists it doesn’t sound like there’s much story. Punch it up.
Cate, can you be more specific about what the slave wants to save his people from? I like Charlotte’s “rallying point of the collapsing Empire”
Thanks, Mary, for reminding me there are two meanings of the word “resists”. “An overprotective single mother defies the drug lord who wants her estranged brother’s hidden cash.” Doesn’t have much oomph at the end. I think I’m back to the drawing board.
ohmygosh, Gerhi, your book sounds hilarious! The dad turning insideout, which makes him a woman, is brillant. Yeah, there’s all sorts of fun things you can do with the mirror concept. How ’bout the son? Does he get changed into a little girl? HA! Actually, it probably doesnt’ happen to kids. Just adults. That’s how these dimensions work.
“A dorky dad does a gender bender to steal his toddler son from a deranged dimension.”
I wouldn’t go with “dorky.” I’d just leave it as “dad.” And does the dad have to make the decision to turn himself into a woman or does it automatically happen?
Keep “mirror dimension.” It’s more intriguing.
“In order to save his son from a mirror dimension, a father has to turn insideout, with hilarious and startling results.”
I don’t know. 21 words. I’m just not good with these one liners.
I have been working on a one sentence summary for my first novel. How about this anyone?
A struggling advertising executive’s midlife crisis is complicated by his new client, an enterprising astrologer.
By the way, I just started a blog on best practices for writers. Instead of concentrating on the craft of writing, I decided to draw on my small business experience for those who want to write for a living. Please visit if you have a chance. www.corichu.com
“To save himself and his people, a young slave hunts the galaxy for his father, the murdered emperor.”
Cate – Your sentence makes me interested in the story right away; I know if I was at a Barnes & Noble, and pick up that book and start reading.
However, I’d suggest you revise ‘murdered’ with ‘disappeared’ or something to that effect. If the emperor is already murdered, why is the slave searching for him? And how would finding him results in the saving of the slave and his people?
Gerhi, after reading your sentence, then Randy’s comments, then all the readers’ comments, then your revised sentence and the reaction you received about “dorky”, I thought I would give it a try. I want to replace “steal,” also, because the dad cannot steal something that is already his. He can recover the tot, or rescue him, etc. and saying that would make more sense to me. Finally, since this other dimension involves a mirror, I would strive for something that indicates that element. So, here is my take on your summary sentence:
A dubious dad does a gender bender, retrieving his toddler’s reflection from a magic mirror.
And, since it seems to be current rage, I’ll post my own summary sentence. I’d like to hear other people’s reaction to it. There is a wealth of wisdom lurking in this blog!
Ver. 1: A Scottish Highlander must choose between honoring a sworn oath and rescuing an enemy’s daughter.
Ver. 2: Will a Scottish Highlander choose to honor a sworn oath or rescue an enemy’s daughter?
Oh! I forgot a suggestion to Randy!
If you are considering changing topics while critiquing the remaining one-sentence summaries as postscripts at the end of each blog, I’d like to suggest tackling MRU’s next.
I have a suggestion for the next topic: how to handle and suspense and tension. I have noticed in many of the pieces from my critique group that a lot of these writers are great at holding tension in the climaxes, but then before and after the pacing is choppy, and many times suspense bleeds out before its time. I’d really like to know how to sustain and regulate these two tricky elements.
Back to the one-liner:
A three-year-old boy’s disappearance forces his workaholic dad to enter a mirror dimension and kidnap his son from his mirror-self, discovering his own identity in the process.
Gerhi, I like that new sentence summary, but I think the “dorky dad” part might be a little over the top, especially with the “deranged dimension” alliteration. You said it was a tragicomedy, right? It seems like, in that case, you should not go too over the top with the humor.
I’m finding I have the same problem that Cate does. I keep feeling like my sentence summary lacks interest because it fails to catch the main conflict.
Originally, I had:
“A changeling woman must rescue her baby from her vengeful ex-lover and defeat him to save her people and humanity.”
Then I retooled it when I first posted it here:
“An amnesiac changeling woman must save her baby, her people, and humanity from her vengeful ex-lover.”
Then I decided, maybe if I wrote more and culled it back down, I could get a better sense of it, but I can’t seem to cull either version back down more effectively than I had it before:
“An amnesiac changeling must recover her memory to save her kidnapped daughter, the humans who raised her, and the fairies she was born to, from her vengeful ex-lover.”
OR
“An amnesiac changeling/young mother resolves to rescue her infant daughter from unknown kidnappers, who are unknowingly destroying the fabric of human consciousness.”
Any suggestions?
Sorry to join the game late Randy, but would you accept one more one-sentence summary?
“A young cassandra’s historical knowledge is his country’s only hope for freedom.”
I wrote a one-sentence summary of my novel idea. Sorry to jump in so late, Randy, but would you please accept mine? 🙂
“An indomitable science writer and brilliant brain surgeon attempt to save the world from leechlike aliens.”