I arrived back home from Idaho last night after a GREAT weekend in Coeur d’Alene. I was teaching a writing workshop with the Idaho Writer’s League and we had a wonderful time. A couple of my loyal blog readers came all the way from Canada, bringing another Canadian with them. Check out the picture on Val Comer’s blog. I am the one in green. The others are Viv, Val, and Bonne. (Bonne rhymes with Ron.)
While I was out of town, my loyal blog readers were busy commenting here on my last post, which critiqued Cate’s first paragraph of her novel. The main point I made was that Cate was smothering her start in backstory. Cate took the opportunity to revise her paragraph. In fact, she did it twice. Here are her two revisions:
Cate’s revision #1:
They brought him to me in chains, stood him in front of my cell. His lips were torn and bloody, face bruised, shirt crusted red. His eyes chilled when he saw me.
“David.” He shook his head. “No.” Looked to the guards. “I’ll tell you anything, let him go!”
Cate’s revision #2:
They dragged me through the door. Luc was there, shackled to a chair, face dancing with red rifle sights.
A woman stepped forward, Asen eyes locking onto me.
“You are Brenin Kynaston,” she said, and held up a pistol, pointed it to my forehead.
Randy sez: Both of these are great improvements over the original. I would say they are about equal in terms of potential, but I haven’t seen the whole story, so it’s impossible to say which is a better lead to the story. I think each can be tweaked to be a bit stronger.
#1 starts with a reference to a “him” who is unknown. I would say to specify his name from the outset. As Ginny pointed out, “chilled” is not the best verb here. The second paragraph has three separate quoted snippets of dialogue. I think this is one too many, so would recommend combining into two blocks. Also, Luc sounds quite eager here when I would expect him to sound defeated. Here is my (quickie) shot at revising this paragraph:
They brought Luc to me in chains, stood him in front of my cell. His lips were torn and bloody, face bruised, shirt crusted red.
Luc’s eyes glazed when he saw me. “David.” His voice cracked. He shook his head and twisted his neck with agonizing slowness to look at the guards. “I’ll . . . talk. Just . . . let him go.”
As for #2, I like the first paragraph but I think it would be slightly stronger to backload the sentence with the clause about being dragged in. It personalizes the violence to the POV character.
Several of my loyal blog readers have already noted that “Asen eyes” are confusing. Also, the statement “You are Brenin Kastonen” seems to me to be designed to feed the reader information (although it seems to be misinformation, since his name is David). I’m not quite sure what’s the purpose of this misinformation, so I’ll make a guess that is likely wrong–Luc has lied about David’s name. So I’ll propose some slight revisions here:
Luc sat shackled to a chair, his face dancing with red rifle sights, when they dragged me through the door.
A woman stepped forward, cold eyes locking onto me. “You are Brenin Kynaston, yes or no?” She pointed a pistol at my forehead. And smiled.
Whenever you edit, there is a chance that you are doing nothing but “disimproving” it. What do you think, Cate? Have I made it better or worse? You are the one who knows your story better than any of us, so only you can say which of these options actually makes sense for your story.
Tomorrow, I’ll take a look at Ginny’s revision of her first paragraph, but I’ll be happy to let everybody take a shot first at revising it. Here is her latest version of the paragraph I critiqued last week:
Zinovy looked at his watch and groaned. Five more hours. (italics) I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place. (italics) Not that returning to earth would solve anything. He was going back to nothing. No family, no friends, and if Special Security Services had anything to say about it, no future either. But anything was better than his exile on this dinosaur of a space station.
Go to it, loyal blog readers! Let’s hear what you think.
These first paragraph critiques are really interesting. Thanks! I want to propose a thing, Randy; please, tell us about first paragraphs in famous books you consider strong and good.
This is really compelling!
I like Ginny’s revisions.
I don’t know if Zinovy’s thoughts in italics are necessary. That he’s eager to leave the space station comes through quite well.
Removing it wouldn’t lessen the strength of the paragraph, methinks.
Hi, I have tracked back Ginny’s last paragraph and this one, I think you have made good progress.
But i couldn’t understand, ‘Dinosour of a space station’ Please explain.
I think you can shorten it more by using powerful words…
Randy, thanks for the great suggestions on my new paragraphs! I am a little confused by the suggestion to flip the two phrases beginning the second paragraph, though–isn’t the cardinal law of MRUs Action-Reaction? To me, it reads Reaction(what he sees)-Action(going through the door so he can see it).
In any case–thank you! You have no idea how much this has helped me. And thank you all you bloggers–a million times thank you!
Ginny’s paragraph:
Zinovy looked at his watch and groaned. Five more hours.
I think these two sentences are great, and pretty self-explanatory. To me, the italics are overstating what’s already been said.
What happens after the italics feels like exposition to me. I don’t know Zhinovy well enough to really care that he wants to leave the station. If I’m shown that Zhinovy’s feeling impatient, I want to feel why.
My suggestion: Keep the first two lines, then follow it with a conversation with a fellow stationite, maybe someone who’s chipper and excited to go and will throw his reluctance into sharp contrast. I wouldn’t actually say that he doesn’t want to go, just give the feel of it in his actions.
I agree that the italics sentences are unnecessary and tend to slow it down. But I really like the feel of his inner conflict that follows. It shows some conflict to be resolved and the perceived futility of going or staying. The SSS reference shows future conflict.
I think it’s strong. I’m for leaving it as revised, without the italics statements.
Zinovy looked at his watch and groaned. Five more hours. (italics) I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place. (italics) Not that returning to earth would solve anything. He was going back to nothing. No family, no friends, and if Special Security Services had anything to say about it, no future either. But anything was better than his exile on this dinosaur of a space station.
Great revision! I think you could actually leave out the bit in italics. When you say “Not that returning to earth . . . ” you’re already showing that he wants to be away from where he is. Also, the last sentence seems like telling-giving info. How about if you include the info in the first sentence. “Five more hours on this dinosaur of a space station.”
I think Ginny’s rewrite does the job. We can relate to a character like this. And there is promise of conflict with the SSS, as Lois said.
Ditto the vote on losing the direct thought in italics. What do you call that 1+1=1/2 rule? Ginny does a fabulous job showing us what Zinovy is feeling without it.
I REALLY like Barb’s idea of putting Dino in the first sentence. It tells you where Zinovy is immediately while it establishes his mood.
I’d like to second Angel’s motion to see some examples of good first paragraphs and maybe a brief analysis. Noah Lukeman’s The First Five Pages teaches by example, listing good examples next to bad ones. I can see the principle at work in the contrast.
I can provide the contrasting paragraph if you need one. 🙂
I think the voice is completely different in the revisions. Granted it’s only about 50 words.
The original version gave me the feel of a YA novel, maybe one with some suspense involved.
The revised versions definitely read more like suspense/thriller material.
Wondering which it is…or whether it’s something else altogether?
What Camille said. 😛
“Zinovy looked at his watch and groaned. Five more hours. (italics) I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place. (italics) Not that returning to earth would solve anything. He was going back to nothing. No family, no friends, and if Special Security Services had anything to say about it, no future either. But anything was better than his exile on this dinosaur of a space station.”
I like this paragraph a lot. Agreeing with the above, I don’t know that the italicized thoughts are really necessary, as it’s obvious that he wants to get out of there. The last sentence feels like it slows me down a bit, though I can’t explain why. I feel that it might be better rephrased. The paragraph did a good job of making me curious about why such a desolate place as he was planning to return to was better than the space station.
On a different subject (maybe one for the future, but I wanted to ask before I forgot about it), a friend pointed out a commercial for a book. I was wondering if you had any opinions on this sort of advertising for a book. Could it cause any confusion to the viewer as to whether they should be expecting a movie, and what effect might that have?
Karla – no fair dittoing folks who are dittoing other folks. 🙂 You Biker Chicks are all alike.
Randy – nice photo of you and your Canadian contingent.
I have to ditto you, too, Camille . . . and I’m not even a biker chick! 😉
Camille — What is there to say when it’s already been said? Pam, we ditto-ers have to stick together! 😀
Re Ginny’s revision, does he know Earth is going to blow up or is this unconsious forefoding? “He was going back to nothing.” If you keep this, I think it would be stronger in his voice rather than a bland statement. Like a simple: Nothing to go back for. (Eliminates the was.)
Hello, I’m new around here. I agree with the suggestions of removing the italicized internal thought and moving “this dinosaur of a space station” to the “Five more hours” sentence.
I don’t know where else to post this but I *have* to post it somewhere. Vennessa, I read your first paragraph and loved it but had one small tweak that would work beautifully. Here is the original paragraph:
“Riverside. 25 Kilometres”
The sign flashed by. No warm homecoming feelings surfaced. Only coldness filled Rik Chandler. Ten years failed to ease the pain this town had inflicted on his life.
He’d sworn he would never set foot here again. Seems fate wasn’t going to let him off the hook. Gossip surrounding one death a decade ago sent him packing; now another death drew him back.
I would be on the edge of my seat dying to turn the page and read more if you removed some information from the last sentence of that paragraph. Instead of “Gossip surrounding one death a decade ago sent him packing; now another death drew him back” please consider removing the gossip info so it’d look more like this: “Death sent him packing a decade ago, and now death drew him back.” And then wait until later in the story to sloooowly reveal that gossip surrounding the first death is what really drove him away. You could reveal that subtly through conversation with residents of the town.
I apologize for going off today’s topic but I just *had* to because that first paragraph would give me goosebumps and leave me just dying to read more of the book if that teeny change were made to that last sentence.
Five hours is a useful time-bound deadline and Special Security Services comes across as a potentially strong opponent. Plenty of enticing info here and, I guessed, perhaps he is going to be exiled even further away and this is a last opportunity for escape.
My suggestion offers an MRU style opening – with Zinovy’s thoughts but without the italics – that attempts to present his choice:
Zinovy looked at his watch. Five more hours exile on this dinosaur of a space station. His last opportunity to escape. Not that returning to earth would solve anything. Family, friends, and if Special Security Services had anything to say about it, his future – all gone.
I know we’re told not to use italics, but I find that they help establish the transition from first person internal dialog to third person narrative.
Without the italics does the internal dialog begin at “Five more hours” or “I cannot stand the wait.” Likewise, does it end at “I must leave this place.” or at “Not that returning to earth would solve anything.”
Again, I don’t know if this is better, or just different.
Looking at his watch, Zinovy groaned. (i)Five more hours. I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place.(
I don’t know what happened, but only part of my comments posted. This is what it should have said.
Looking at his watch, Zinovy groaned. (i)Five more hours. I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place.(
Guess it doesn’t like my tag…one more try!
Looking at his watch, Zinovy groaned. (italics)Five more hours. I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place.(italics)Not that returning to earth would solve anything. He was going back to nothing. No family, no friends, and if Special Security Services had anything to say about it, no future. But anything was better than being exiled on this orbiting space relic.
You asked about the first person thing. If you eliminate the italics, you’ll want to keep it third person.
Instead of this:
Looking at his watch, Zinovy groaned. (italics)Five more hours. I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place.
Try this:
Looking at his watch, Zinvoy groaned. Five more hours. He couldn’t stand the wait. He’d have to leave this place.
Or this:
Looking at his watch, Zinvoy groaned. Five more hours. The wait was becoming unbearable. He’d have to get out of there, and soon.
Ditto-ers of the world, unite! 😀
What’s MRU? I haven’t had the advantage of Randy’s course so I don’t know. Or is it common writer knowledge?
Thanks, everyone. I like lots of things here. I like Tami’s “But anything was better than being exiled on this orbiting space relic.” and I like Pam’s last suggestion for putting the inner thought into 3rd person. You’re right. The italicized sentences have to go.
However, I have to tell you (please forgive!) that the whole thing is going into file 13 because I’ve decided to take Bonnie’s suggestion to begin with a bang (THE bang), then go back to five hours before and start the story there. When I get it done, can I submit again? I know you’ve already spent a lot of time on this, but I’m dying to know what you think of my third try.
VENNESSA: I’m hooked on your story. One minor grammatical thing: “Ten years HAD failed to ease the pain. . .” I know you want to avoid using that tense, but here I think you need it.
HEATHER: I just put a note about Cassandra at the bottom of “I Critique Cate,” forgetting that I should keep the stream going in the current article, or whatever it’s called (what is the word for each of these thingys?). You might want to check it there.
Thanks, Ginny!!! Suggestions duly noted. Looking forward to your re-re-write. I smile to myself when reading yours because I work with a Zinovy – a child psychiatrist – and it’s amusing to imagine him on a space station!