Tami’s MRUs

Judging by today’s comments by my loyal blog readers, it looks like this series we’re doing on Motivation-Reaction Units is proving valuable to y’all. Today, we’ll work through a passage posted by Tami.

However, first I’d like to answer a question that Lynda asked:

Randy, Can we use “as” when two actions are mutually exclusive? Example: He placidly read the paper as the children dismantled the house.

Randy sez: Yes, you can if it serves your purpose. In the example you’ve given, what is being shown are two continuing actions that take a substantial amount of time. Which means the sentence is a fine example of “telling.” If you want to be “telling,” then of course you don’t want to use MRUs, because MRUs are a discipline for “showing.” If, on the other hand, you want to be “showing,” then that pesky “as” is the least of your worries because both clauses are narrative summary.

Again, there is no right or wrong on “showing” versus “telling.” There is a time for each, and only you can decide which you should use at any given time. If you want to be “showing,” then beware those innocuous words like “while” or “as”.

Now to Tami’s passage, which I will analyze for its MRU content. Again, I’ll do this piece by piece:

Hing Sung Ti ducked inside the stone building. Heart racing, his shaking hand fumbled for the bolt, slammed it into the lock. He fell against the door, chest heaving, as his lungs gasp for air. Maybe they hadn’t seen where he ran. An involuntary shiver seized his muscles. It was foolish to have come to town. He knew the danger, but desire overcame good sense.

Randy sez: My first reaction on seeing this was that it felt a bit overwritten, with too much emotive reaction going on. As I got further along, I realized that, no, it’s at about the right emotional temperature. Our POV character is in mortal danger. All that chest heaving makes sense, in context. This is a Reaction.

It’s a bit complicated because we see some Rational actions and then some Feelings. Is that wrong? Randy sez, no, it’s correct. What is happening is that our hero is taking an extended sequence of Rational actions. Along the way, his heart is pounding, his chest is heaving, his lungs are gasping, because . . . that’s what you do under Xtreme stress over an extended period of time.

He heard the faint jingle if spurs as boot heels clacked along the porch planks.

“Over here!” The raspy voice came from just outside the window. “I seen him run in here just as I come round the corner.”

Something hard struck the door.

“Come out ya yella heathen, or we’ll hafta come in an drag ya out by that there piggy tail of yers.” Drunken laughter and obscenities followed.

Randy sez: This is an extended Motivation, composed of a sequence of actions by his pursuers. Ordinarily, I would counsel against starting a Motivation with “He heard…”. I don’t see any obvious way to fix this, so I’ll let it pass.

I think it might help to break up this rather long Motivation by inserting some emotive Reaction on the part of our hero as he hears all these things. It might even make sense to insert some of that interior monologue that was in the earlier Motivation. So here’s a suggestion to shuffle the Motivations and Reactions a little more tightly together:

He heard the faint jingle of spurs as boot heels clacked along the porch planks.

“Over here!” The raspy voice came from just outside the window. “I seen him run in here just as I come round the corner.”

An involuntary shiver seized his muscles. It was foolish to have come to town. He knew the danger, but desire overcame good sense.

Something hard struck the door.

“Come out ya yella heathen, or we’ll hafta come in an drag ya out by that there piggy tail of yers.” Drunken laughter and obscenities followed.

Randy sez: Does that read a little better? OK, let’s continue with Tami’s original:

Repeated blows shook the wooden frame. Hing Sung Ti spun away from the door as instinct told him to run, but where? There was nowhere to hide. Panic nailed his feet to the floor.

Randy sez: I would break this into two paragraphs at the transition point between the Motivation and the Reaction. Also, I’d do something about that “as,” which mixes two actions that take different lengths of time. (Instinct is almost instant, but spinning can take a good half-second.) Here’s how I’d tweak this up:

Repeated blows shook the wooden frame.

Hing Sung Ti spun away from the door. He had to hide, but . . . where? There was nowhere to hide. Panic nailed his feet to the floor.

“We’ll teach you thieving Chinamen to take our gold.” More voices had joined the first.

An explosion of blows pummeled against the door. Over and over, the battering continued until the entire wall shook from the assault.

“Yeah, ya’all are gonna pay. Frank here’s gotta rope so’s we can string ya up. Leave ya thar swingin’ in the wind so’s yer friends cain see.”

“Hit it again, Clancy. Harder.”

Randy sez: Again, this is quite a long and extended Motivation. What’s HST thinking and feeling during all this? I think it might make sense to insert some sort of response in here. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to decide what Reaction would be best.

Hing Sung Ti had done nothing to these men, yet they would kill him.

Randy sez: This is a Reaction, this time some interior monologue. I wonder if it could be tightened up a little? Could we put it in his words a bit more, so it feels like his thoughts?

“Nin hao.”

Randy sez: This is a Motivation, but it’s just a little confusing since it could conceivably be something HST says. Most readers will figure out pretty quickly that it’s not him speaking, but why make them work? It might be good to tell us the direction this comes from, so we know it’s not him speaking.

He spun toward the sound. A young girl stood in the shadow, a pistol clutched in her fist.

“I…I am not a robber… I only wished to hide.” Did she understand? Her dialect was not from his province. “Please.” He feared that she would shoot or cry out. Desperate, he spoke in English, “I will not harm –”

Randy sez: This is a Reaction (he spun), followed by a Motivation (the girl with the gun), followed by a Reaction (HST speaking.) I would recommend breaking them into three paragraphs. It makes the action zip when you have a bit more white-space, and it also makes the breaks between Motivations and Reactions crystal clear.

Overall, I’d say this is a strong piece of writing. I’m dying to read more. What brought him to town? How’s he going to escape the thugs outside? VERY nice job, Tami!