In my last blog, I invited my loyal blog readers to submit a few paragraphs for critique on their Motivations and Reactions (which I’ve just finished discussing at great length). Today, we’ll look at the first submission by Sina’i:
Starfa was still in shock. “Are you telling me that that woman has kidnapped my brother?” Well, at least that would explain Veylan’s absence from this meeting.
“Think, Starfa!” the king snapped. “That woman has been imprisoned for over a thousand years with no difficulties! How, all of a sudden, do you suppose she escaped from under the eyes of her guards? And then kidnap your brother, Veylan, of all people?”
Starfa hated being scolded like a child, even if he was not thinking too clearly. If anyone besides the king had spoken to him in such a manner, he would have had the man’s head on a spear immediately. Because it was King Terdan, however, he swallowed his pride. “So you’re saying…she escaped like she did the first time. She had help.”
The king nodded.
“And…Veylan…helped her?” Starfa was having far more trouble with that idea. He knew that Veylan was soft-hearted, particularly where women were concerned. That was one of the problems the nobles had with him. But could he really be so stupid as to help her escape? Starfa would have to have a serious talk with his brother once he became king. That is, if Veylan was still alive. He had a knack for getting into trouble on his own. He could only imagine what dangers Veylan would blunder into under the influence of that…that witch.
King Terdan interrupted his thoughts by dismissing the attendant. “Starfa, you don’t seem to understand what this means. Your kingship is in danger.”
Randy sez: Well done! This appears to be part of a fantasy novel. We have two characters, King Verdan and Starfa. The Point-Of-View character is Starfa, and Sina’i is doing an excellent job of putting us inside Starfa’s skin. We see what he sees; we hear what he hears; we think what he thinks; we feel what he feels.
Notice that we have six paragraphs, and three of them are Motivations (external to Starfa and objectively shown) while three are Reactions (internal to Starfa and subjectively shown). These are perfectly structured. As a result, it’s easy to follow the scene and understand the conflict.
I really can’t find anything to complain about here. There is one ambiguous sentence: Starfa would have to have a serious talk with his brother once he became king.
Given the context that follows, the “he” who is going to become king is probably Starfa. But it’s not obvious from the sentence alone. It’s possible that it could be Veylan. But we’re jumping into the middle of a novel without context. If we’d read the preceding chapters, we’d presumably already know this and there would be no ambiguity.
Tomorrow, we’ll look at Camille’s submission.
Congrats Sina’i! You passed the MRU test!
I have to say that Starfa is a fun character. I sympathize with him a bit since this is from his perspective, but I’m also laughing at him a bit.
So, just for practice, would you say…
Paragraph 1 = reaction
Paragraph 2 = motivation
Paragraph 3 = reaction
Paragraph 4 = motivation
Paragraph 5 = reaction
Paragraph 6 = motivation
Agreed – flawless, Sina’i. Is this a finished novel? Sounds very good.
Woohoo!!! I’d been a little worried, since most of my writing is in longer paragraphs like that, so I thought I would have missed something.
Whether Starfa or Veylan actually ends up becoming king is one of the bbig questions of the story.
Thanks for the critique, Randy!
And Camille, this is a novel I started a few years ago and hit writer’s block – I’m hoping to get the rough draft finished this year.
Nice work! Good luck on finishing it- can’t wait to see how it turns out!
Thanks for your critique, Randy! Your words of wisdom are always helpful and much appreciated!
Nice job, Sina’i!
I just posted four paragraphs from my YA novel on the last post’s comments. These two paragraphs come before those four–to whet your appetite and hope you’ll read and critique the rest.
They approached a sharp curve. Ryan didn’t ease up much. Ari felt the car begin to slide. Their tires hit loose gravel on the highway’s shoulder. They jerked back toward the middle of highway.
Ryan fought to regain control, but the vehicle wouldn’t cooperate. They lunged again to the right.
She heard a sickening scream, then realized it came from her own mouth.
I’ll be critiquing another portion of Sina’i’s writing tomorrow at wannabepublished.
Hello Randy,
I have been one of your LBRs (loyal blog reader) for several weeks now and have learned and feel this site is one of the truly useful sites for writers who wish to polish their skills. The MRU concept provides an achievable if not an outright easy way of structuring scenes.
Coming to Sina’i’s post, the MRUs are perfectly laid out but there are a couple of things which could be better :
1)Sound : Could be improved, in particular by reducing the usage of “that”
2)POV : “Starfa” can be replaced by “He”. Pronoun should be preferred with the noun only thrown in occassionally. Also, in Para 5, the second sentence does not require “He knew that” since we are already inside Starfa’s head.
3)Dialogue : In real life, the king would not always take Starfa’s name while talking to him unless he is stressing a point. For e.g. in the last para, the king would just say, “You don’t seem to understand what this means”
Thanks,
Ishwar
Hey everyone – I know mine’s up next… but I’m flying through to wrap up the novel and came across this prime example of what gives me a headache about MRUs. If I follow the mru rules, every sentence is a separate paragraph, I think. But it looks weird. Okay, I KNOW, this text already sounds weird because it’s the mush in the middle of a romance, so ignore that weirdness. Can anyone tell me if breaking each of these lines apart is right or wrong?? Or am I getting way too legalistic here?
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What he was saying didn’t really sink in. The fact that he called and was not upset by her letter eclipsed all other thought. She leaned back against the doorframe and let out the breath she’d been holding.
“I’ll tell you more about it when you arrive—you’re still coming, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” Three more weeks . . .
“Emily . . .”
The sudden depth of his voice sent a warm shockwave through her.
“Do you remember when we stopped that night? On the side of the road?”
A shrill scream blasted from the teakettle.
Emily jumped, heart pounding.
“Hang on!”
She dashed to the stove, moved the kettle off the burner, took a deep breath, then put the phone to her ear. But the drumming in her chest made her words come out sounding breathless.
“Yeah . . . I remember.” Are you kidding me? How could I forget?
I really enjoy your columns, Randy. Usually I’m just lurking… It makes a good beginning to a writing day–or in this case, a good finish. Like a mini-workshop to jump start the little gray cells.
Kristi Holl
Writer’s First Aid blog