There were a number of comments today on the writing sample I analyzed yesterday. D.E. Hale wrote:
Ok, see now I’m confused. I understand that a “rule” can be broken, but how do you know when to split up the motivations and reactions into separate paragraphs, and when to leave them all bunched up together? You mentioned that since there was no conflict that it wasn’t necessary to split it up into paragraphs, but I think I still would have.
This is a good question. I would keep the motivations and reactions all together here because it would start feeling very choppy to break them off into separate paragraphs. This sequence is leading up to some action, but the action hasn’t started yet, so I think it’s best to just blitz on through and get to the action.
There is a deeper question, however: How do you know when to break the “rules?”
My answer is that you are allowed to break the rules after you have mastered them. The rules are just rules of thumb that help suggest the reason that you are failing to create a Powerful Emotional Experience. But if you ARE creating a Powerful Emotional Experience, then there is no reason to apply any rules. In my opinion, Pam’s done a fine job of launching this scene. So I wouldn’t change it, other than to fix that phrase “her heart lept in her throat” to “her heart leapt into her throat.”
I’d say we’ve about chewed all the sugar out of this stick of gum, so let’s move on.
How about another little contest? In my Snowflake method, I teach people to write a one-sentence summary of their novel. Let’s hear yours!
Post a one-sentence summary of your current work in progress. The most intriguing entry (in my sole judgment) before midnight PST on Friday night will win a free critique of one page of your novel by me.
My original one was: Running from his past brought him straight back to his future.
I just came up with an alternative: Ten years; two murders; one suspect racing to clear his name.
Gee, I like the second one, Alie. I wish I could learn “snappy”.
My current ‘1 sentence’ is several lines long with a whole lot of commas. At least I know now how I’ll be spending my Friday night.
Thanks, Randy.
Mmmm, but I think the first one is much more intriquing. More psychological depth. I imagine someone who has to come to terms with their past before they can solve the problems of the future and that the process is painfully dramatic. I’ll buy it.
Here’s my effort.
Abducted and transported to the pre-industrial (yet future) world of N’Arth, where singing is outlawed, Shannon saves both worlds by solving the enigma of the Last Song.
BTW Randy and D E Hale, “her heart leapt into her throat” isn’t that a cliche?
True love’s kiss should break an apprentice witch’s curse, but her boyfriend’s fails to work.
Here’s one for a fantasy novel I finished writing the first draft of yesterday:
A teen and his companions are forced to find their way out of a trading-card-game world.
My one-liner:
A single father of two teens learns his daughter has been murdered, and his son is the prime suspect.
Hi Randy,
Here is my sentence:
“A school teacher, hunting for her father’s murderer, is confronted with a life-or-death decision.”
Thanks for all your help.
It seems as if my previous attempt has been swallowed by the cybermonster. Here it goes again:
“A school teacher, hunting for her father’s murderer, is confronted with a life-or-death decision.”
Thanks for all your help, Randy.
A pharmacologist’s ex-girlfriend is determined to save the Third World from his breakthrough cancer treatment.
A lost war, a desperate mission, an arranged marriage, and a ruthless, bloodthirsty priest threaten to not only hold a young woman in a world devoid of freedom but send her into a destiny of eternal horror.
Anguished by guilt, 12-year-old Jed tries to right the wrong of refusing to walk Daisy home, by investigating the mystery when she’s gone missing.
Biker chick’s realization that she has to reconcile her past to find peace in the present, and a man in her future.
A retired Marine travels to Iraq to begin his own private war against the foreign terrorists that murdered his daughter.
A counselor must find a way to communicate with an elective mute who witnesses a murder while struggling with her feelings about the cop in charge of the case.
With a cathedral before him and prison behind, a young man has to decide: destroy or believe.
When a sleuth discovers a corpse buried for 30 years, a new murderer is forced to kill.
After being the transplant recipient of his brain-dead wife’s uterus an airline pilot gives birth.
It’s not as catchy as Alie’s, but I just couldn’t bring myself to copy the snappy format. Alie – I really was grabbed by your alternative sentence.
This is a prophecy that my main character finds. It basically sums the story up…
One race that rules the sky,
Another that rules the ground,
Hatred rises and births a monster,
It only dies when unity is found.
…but I don’t know if that’s really what you’re looking for, so here is my attempt at making a one sentence summary that turned out to be a two sentence summary.
In the midst of a seemingly never-ending war, Alex, brought up by her people’s sworn enemy must unite the two races before mysterious threats from an unknown source become a horrible reality.
Could disaster be what ultimately brings the two races together?
It’s sorta like Romeo and Juliet…disaster being what finally brings enemies together.
I’m really new to writing (being 13 years old) so I don’t know if my stuff really compares to these other writers. I just thought it would be fun to get my ideas out there…see what other people think. 🙂
I also want to say thank you Mr. Ingermanson, because you have made writing a novel a real possibility instead of an out-of-reach cookie jar up on a shelf.
-Kayla
A trophy wife fights to save her family and marriage from a faceless stalker.
Erin MacIntyre believes her husband’s death was no accident and she must prove it before the killer strikes again–at her, and her eight-month-old son.
I thought Pam’s submission was very well done too. But as Yeggy writes here, I too always have issues with certain cliches, such as, a heart leaping into a throat. Can a heart do that? No. There are other ways to describe that sensation and reaction. Those are the things that separate top writers from others, I think, in how they’re described.
John,
Are you serious? A man being the transplant recipient of a woman’s uterus? It takes more parts than a uterus to bear a baby. Not to mention the stamina and strength. A comment in honor of Mother’s Day.
The peaceful town of Gemerad suddenly finds murder and treachery abound but, even worse, is the horror this will lead to if the source of these problems isn’t stopped in time.
Sorry, Randy. I can’t decide which is more appropriate for romantic suspense. The way I see it, the first says it all, and the second has bare bones snap. Or am I way out of the ball park? What do you think?
A wary heiress finds unexpected romance when she claims her inheritance to crack the puzzle of her mother’s untimely death.
A wary heiress claims her inheritance to crack the puzzle surrounding her mother’s death.
Alie,
I think both of your one-liners are terrific. The second one does give more of an idea of the story, however. Write on. Enough of my posting for the day. Your site is just so great, Randy…
Wow, this is hard! Here’s my attempt.
Aiera, heir of a subjugated nation and sold into slavery by a jealous brother, learns she can use this bitter circumstance to help free her people from their oppressors.
“Being raised as a ward of the conquering king, a young prince seeks his future in the face of brainwashing by his hosts, an uncle who wants to retain his own family line as puppet kings, and recurring visions that offer him a brighter hope if only he can overcome the difficulties and hold the faith.”
(You didn’t say it had to be a short sentence, did you? :P)
Guided by Dr. Parakletos, a woman struggles through her painful past to find her purpose.
When her father accepts a teaching position at a performing arts academy, a high-school freshman finds herself braving a new school, a new world, and a talent she never knew she possessed.
An E.R. nurse struggles for survival in the chaos of a bizarre viral outbreak.
Development of artificial womb implant brings honor, adoration, challenge, vilification, kidnappings, scams and murder in world where God has closed
the womb in judgment of our cavalier attitudes toward life.
***********
I think there are some intriguing first sentences here. Write on!
Dare I jump into the critiquing? Pamela, in challenging Pam’s use of cliche, you allude to better ways of stating the sentence. Why not share one?
And you challenge John’s futuristic premise of receiving his dead wife’s uterus.
At least now we know where he’s going with Destiny’s untimely death. I think
it’s very imaginative.
A healer, the unicorn assigned to protect her, a seer and a warrior find themselves drawn together by two prophecies to embark on a journey upon which each will make their own personal journey through the landscape of their soul to discover that it is not predestination which defines their fate; but every choice, both small and large, they make that determines not only their own future but all futures everywhere.
This is from my current wip. It’s the actual one sentence summary I developed when I first began using the snowflake method. Have a fun weekend reading through all of these!
When a confident and quirky undercover NARC agent’s cover gets blown, she must dig deep into her faith to discover God still has a plan for her life.
It seems a lot of people are confused by my choice of paragraphs. It’s less so when you know that Akeela was already on her way home the paragraph before the ones I shared.
Alie, I love your alternative sentence, too! I think I’ll try my hand at your method for my story, although I’m reeeeeally bad at one liners.
A girl, a prophecy, a warlock bent on destruction, and time is running out.
Hmmmmmmm … it doesn’t really tell you what the story is about, does it? I’ll have to see what else I can come up with.
For me, this is the frostiest part of the “Snowflake,” but here goes.
Narnia meets the nineteenth century on the planet, Pyrazo, where 13-year-old Jev must rescue his father from the invisible realm of the Adeeko—but Jev doesn’t believe in over-lapping worlds.
I just attended a workshop on pitching a book by a screen-writer with over 70 published works who insisted that agents, editors, and publishers appreciate being given a reference point in your summary sentence like the name,”Narnia.” I’ve also heard otherwise. What’s your advice? Should I use “Narnia” or something else?
Sorry, I can’t post mine. It’s highly classified.
Hi Randy,
I’ve been enjoying reading your blog.
I would love to win a critique by you. I don’t have a novel in the works, but I do have a fanficion story that I someday hope to use the same plot idea for a novel using characters of my own creation. Here’s my one sentence summary.
A rancher risks all to continue a deception he began nine years earlier.
My current project can be summed up thusly:
“Working for a zombie lawyer with designs of world domination, a captain must choose between everything he’s ever known and everything that never happened.”
Here’s my Snowflake statement:
A gifted violinist loses his bow hand in the Civil War, and almost loses his soul, until “the enemy” helps him overcome his disability.
I don’t know if my picture book can compete with all of these intriguing novels, but here goes…
When his mannerly mouse-removal methods fail, Biggles, his cushy mousing job on the line, travels from New York to London to seek advice from the Queen.
🙂
My goodness! Maybe hearts leaping in throats are cliche, but I wonder if that uterus is leaping too?
Anyways…here’s my little blurb:
A kill-floor man challenges the system, exposing Hell’s puppets and their brutal nature.
Blessings,
Joleena
I just wanted to add: I’ve been studying these nuggets and there are some really good ones, but if I had to cast my vote (without voting for myself of course) I think I’d chose Valerie Fentress’s:
With a cathedral before him and a prison behind, a young man has to decide: destroy or believe.
This engages a lot of interest without giving anything away.
Excellent job Valerie!
Blessings,
Joleena
200 years after a nuclear holocaust, an escalating war and phantom memories send five men on opposing journeys searching for an ancient relic of unknown power.
Here’s my hook: Can an undercover cop get his man without losing the only woman he’s ever loved–permanently?
Another hook for another book: After their plane crashes, an unlikely pair fight the elements, murderous poachers, and each other, but at what price, will Gabe save the man-hating (or is it fearing?) woman he grows to love?
(I know names are taboo for hooks but I haven’t figured away to avoid it here. Any suggestions are appreciated 🙂 )
With the survival of mankind at stake, a young astronomer must decide to believe “The Prophecy” or ignore it and follow her heart.
Technology, destruction and murder battle with faith in the underground city of Cappadocia.
You’ve made a really generous offer Randy.
They are all so engaging.
There can only be one.
How will you chose?
Here’s an idea: throw them up in the air and the one that lands on your head will be the one.
Lois, re leaping hearts, it doesn’t really tell us how she was feeling. If she’s really scared maybe she has a panic attack and can’t breathe. Maybe she soils herself.
I was at a masterclasses with an Australian poet Mike Ladd last weekend (he produces and presents and program on ABC National Radio called Poetica) and his comment was that when terms like that were first coined they were great, but the job of the writer is to find new and fresh ways of describing feelings, events, things, places etc.
Ali’s ho-hum life somersaults as she fends off would-be rapists then lands a job at Chinn’s Cuisine, where her interest in Mark leads to much more than she bargained for or even dreamed.
The last of his kind, a disillusioned warrior must retrieve the Living Sword, and stop the demonic virus killing the inhabitants of his homeworld, before dying of it himself.
The last of his kind, a disillusioned warrior must retrieve the Living Sword, and stop the demonic virus killing the inhabitants of his homeworld, before dying of it himself.
Yeggy, I wasn’t defending “leaping hearts” as much as suggesting we offer creative alternatives if we cite problems in another’s writing.
I’m really intrigued with your “enigma of the Last Song.” Poetic!
Hope you have success with getting the story finished and published.
A rogue assassin discovers she is the prophesied doom her Brotherhood seeks to destroy.
A mad professor must choose a winning one sentence summary to avoid fictional death. 🙂
Thanks, Lois, for your good wishes re my book. And thanks also for clarifying your comments on ‘leaping hearts’ I do understand what you were saying. 🙂
T.A.B., your picture book concept is absolutely charming.
(And does T.A.B. infer your love of cats?)
Do you know A.A. Milne’s Evangeline? “I’ve been to London to see the queen, and she says my hands are PURFICKLY clean.”
(From When We Were Very Young)
Lois–Thank you so much! I was not familiar with the poem, so I just grabbed my copy of the book and read it. Adorable! My story was inspired by the nursery rhyme, “Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, Where Have You Been?”.
T.A.B.
(just my initials, nothing to do with cats)
Randy, I know the deadline has past, but my husband was having surgery so this is the first time I’ve been able to get to my computer in three days.
I’d really love to win the critique so I’m going to submit this even though I know you may disallow it.
A hidden letter from 1899 may lead to a cache of gold that has already cost one mans life.
Thanks for all your help,
Tami
Randy, it is now November 27, 2007. I stumbled across your site(s) a week ago and have been spending the first 18 hours of every day since working on my snowflake and the remaining 18 hours of each day reading your archived e-zines and blogs and free tutorials and the snowflake package which I bought and the appeals you make for the other stuff for sale and… did I mention that I’m contributing to this particular blog at midnight because I still have about 18 hours of work left to do today?
Anyway, since I’m playing catch-up, I thought I would post the one-sentence summary I came up with that started this marathon of 36-hour days.
A Scottish Highlander must choose between honoring a sworn oath or rescuing an enemy’s daughter.
If you respond to this, I’ll be thrilled. If you don’t, I’ll be understanding.
This blog really helped me!