I’ve been working hard all day on getting ready for the writer’s workshop in Couer d’Alene. I leave tomorrow and will get back Sunday night. In between then and now, I’ll do 8 hours of teaching and about 12 one-on-one critiques. It’s gonna be busy!
I see that many of my loyal blog readers have taken up the challenge to critique Cate’s first paragraph. I’ve been critiquing first paragraphs for a bit more than a week now, and yesterday, I challenged you all to try the next one for yourself before I tackle it. I’m delighted to see all the excellent comments you made. Cate’s head must be buzzing.
Now it’s my turn. Here is the paragraph we’re critiquing, submitted by Cate:
They came for me on the fifth night of the hospital stay, when my arm had started to heal and I was restless to get back to my guardian, Luc. I cursed the rock, in my sleep, that had brought me down in the fields, brought the thirty lashes on both me and Luc, left him bloody and unconscious and me just alive enough to watch. Was he alive, was he dead? They wouldn’t tell me.
Randy sez: I see a great, terrific, hot opening line. Then I see backstory for the rest of the paragraph.
Where does the backstory begin? Hard to say, but I’d say it’s already begun with the phrase “when my arm had started to heal.”
A hard lesson that I’ve had to learn over and over again (including with my own current novel I’m working on) is this: The reader doesn’t care two cents about backstory. The reader cares about frontstory. The reader cares about now. When you give the reader some frontstory, she starts caring about the character. After a while, she starts caring about the backstory. Your reader is paying the bills, so you need to give her what she wants.
I would cut the first paragraph here:
They came for me on the fifth night.
This has a ton going for it:
1) “They” — who are these sinister people?
2) “came for me” — whoever they are, I’m in a boatload of trouble.
3) “on the fifth night.” — fifth night after what? I gotta keep reading to find out. And why’d they come at night? Are they some kind of death squad? I HAVE to read more.
8 words, and you’ve already set the stage for a strong, scary scene. There is just no good reason to stop the story cold with backstory. Cate, I know there is some info you want to work in about how our hero got here. But listen, there are some Bad Guys standing around my bed just now–they came for me. I don’t have time to deal with the past.
Here are the things to ask: what do “they” want now? Why am I not going to give it to them? What are “they” going to do to make me give it to them? How far am I going to resist?
Answer those questions, and your scene will write itself. During that scene, you can sneak in a few things that hint at what happened in the last few days. Hero can demand to know where Luc is. “They” can threaten to break Hero’s other arm. Nurse Ratched can come in and demand that “they” leave. One of them can slap Nurse R. silly with an icepick.
As you do this, Gentle Reader will pick up that Something Bad happened a few days ago. But far more important, Gentle Reader will FEEL an iron terror that Something Way Worse is about to happen NOW.
NOW is what matters in fiction. If the backstory is so important that you have to start your book with it, then move your timeline back and make that the NOW of your story.
Randy sez: “Backstory bad! Frontstory good!”
Next week, we’ll continue with the next first paragraph. In the meantime, I’d love to see Cate post a new first paragraph that is ALL frontstory.
Randy, thank you! Backstory–I’m sitting here almost banging my head, because now it looks so obvious, why didn’t I see it before?
Well.
I went through my first page, and it’s all backstory. Into the next, down ten lines and I’ll start here:
They brought him to me in chains, stood him in front of my cell. His lips were torn and bloody, face bruised, shirt crusted red. His eyes chilled when he saw me.
“David.” He shook his head. “No.” Looked to the guards. “I’ll tell you anything, let him go!”
Too gruesome for a first paragraph or the punch I need? I am a little hesitant to start here, even though this is where the action starts. To me it’s like a slap in the face to be plunked into such brutality–the next paragraph deals with a whipping and keeps getting worse for about five pages until it lets up. Shouldn’t I have a more gentle way in? Or do you, as a reader, want that punch? In other words, would you put it down if you saw that this was what would shortly come?
In any case–this is truly amazing. I would have carried this book around with backstory for months and not have been the wiser. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!
Actually, I’ve answered my own question. That still wasn’t where my story started. My story starts here:
They dragged me through the door. Luc was there, shackled to a chair, face dancing with red rifle sights.
A woman stepped forward, Asen eyes locking onto me.
“You are Brenin Kynaston,” she said, and held up a pistol, pointed it to my forehead.
THAT is my resubmitted 1st paragraph.
Thanks, Randy! I learned a LOT from this post. And thanks, Cate, for being our guinea pig! 🙂
I am finding more and more in my edits that I end up cutting first paragraphs or moving them to other places.
This post clicked with me, today!
Cate, I liked both of your resubmitted paragraphs. I don’t know if they are “right” or not, but I liked them!
I like the second rewrite, although I’d try to find a way to keep “They came for me on the fifth night.”
One question: what are “Asen eyes?”
Cate,
Many points well taken, but I still have a question. Where are you going with the rest of the story? If you’re writing an action filled thriller, then the faster opening and avoiding backstory is probably the way to go. However, if you’re setting up for a deep psychological journey into the hearts and souls of you characters, I would prefer the opening with a bit of backstory dropped in here and there.
But that’s only my opinion and I’m no expert.
Asen eyes? I assumed it was a typo, that you meant “Ashen eyes.”
Wow Randy, you’re a God! I’ve heard everything you tell Cate over and over, but seeing it laid out in an example made it finally “click”. Thanks so much!
Laura Drake
Asen – the ruling dynasty of the ancient Turks in mid 500s ?
I thought it was a typo, too, but my mind went with “Asian eyes”.
Asen eyes–no, it’s not a typo. There was an Asen Dynasty in Bulgaria something like a millenium ago (is that what you were thinking, Iain?)–but not what I’m referencing here, which is a high-tech enemy sect in my storyworld (8,000 years in the future).
I was trying to plant the image of her eyes literally, electronically locking on to his. Scifi readers do typically accept the first couple paragraphs as literal until the rules of the storyworld can be established…but I guess I wasn’t clear enough. Another one for the noggin.
Randy, you could sell a literary workout: Joggin Your Noggin!
To answer Parker, my story is very action-oriented, so the ne’er a dull moment beginning is definitely better.
Isn’t it amazing, Cate, what fresh eyes can do for a project? Not only did you review your first paragraph, you started in an entirely new place in your story! Wow! Good job.
I understand what Randy was saying about backstory (and how cool that his fresh eyes helped you see that most of your first page was backstory) but I will add that the notion of “backstory bad” is not a hard and fast rule. I’ve read many successful stories that weave front story and backstory together in a way that is spellbinding. But that takes deliberate skill and it needs to be done with logic, a light hand, and a purpose.
Of course, in fiction, frontstory is key, but you could have used your original paragraph (re-written) to grab the attention of the reader and then move into the immediate situation. It would have been very effective if you had a stunning hospital scene following the opening paragraph.
My rule of writing is: If I feel the need to explain what’s going on, I need to re-write and show what’s going on.
It looks like you’ve got a good boogy tale on the go. Good for you!
Well, I can not tell you how much this has helped ME! Wow! The first three paragraphs of my story are all backstory too, and I didn’t even notice. Good grief! I guess I felt like I needed to “set up” the story a bit before going forward.
I still don’t feel like I can just start the story with the monster emerging from the forest to attack my MC, but maybe I’m over thinking. Someone mentioned that if the story is a Thriller then it’s fine to open with a fast-paced action scene, but mine is a Fantasy, and I don’t want the reader to think that the whole story is going to be that fast-paced.
By the way, Cate, I really can’t wait to read that story some day. I already “feel” so much hatred for whoever it is torturing these poor people, that I just want to rip their heads off, so I guess that’s definitely a good thing!
I’m late to the game, but what the heck. my excuse is that I was in England last week using (gasp) dial-up, so internet time was sparse. Here are two “1st paragraphs,” as I’ve been fluctuating about how I want to start the book. any comments welcome – thanks!!!
#1:
The hot gaze of Helios was bearing witness to an important event. Scores of men of Hellas stood in a human wall on the cliffs of the island Delos, staring in wonder towards the salty blue Aegean, armed with boulder-sized chunks of bronze. Unlike usual warfare, there was no phalanx formation. No king or general shouting in passion, “slope spears!” or “advance!!” These warriors bore no burdensome helmets. They did not speak to one another as do comrades in battle, for in fact, they were not friends. Yet, despite histories of rivalries and conflict, stories told to you by your grandfather, who learned them from his grandfather, today these men were not enemies. The enemy was further north, further east. Distant enough that you could breathe without being enveloped by that gripping, paralyzing fear, could inhale the gentle sea air and perhaps even permit yourself a grin.
#2: Athens, following the wars with Persia
The faces around her glistened with pride and a joyful sense of relief, but Cassandra scowled in intense aggravation. He had told her to stand right up front so that she’d have the best view of him and he could look to her radiance if he faltered for words. “Radiance,” he had said while lifting her chin with the pads of his fingers last night and her insides had somersaulted. But here she was, a tiny ship lost in a shifting sea of robes lubricated with sweat. And very far from the platform where the shining strategos, Athens’ beloved young general, addressed a doting throng.
re: Asen eyes. I’m a lazy reader and substituted Asian without even thinking typo. I suspect if you’re introducing a concept word that early in the novel, you might want to make sure it’s not too close (in appearance) to a valid real word.
re: violent early scenes. If the novel includes violence, how the author handles violence has a lot to do with who will read it, so I’d say it’s probably good to introduce it early on.
Now I’ll go back to look at my first paragraphs.
Wow. See how quick the Supreme Dictator for Life went right to the heart? Naturally, I didn’t see that backstory/frontstory issue and focused my attention on nit-pickin over a sentence. I think some people touched on it a bit, but look how quick Randy nailed it. No messin around with lengthy lines or drawn-out drama. If only I could manage my time (thoughts, life, etc) like that. *sigh*
Long live the SDFL!!
Doh! The one line opener works for me.
I always like to learn something new, so Asen eyes (with an explanation, like maybe in the beginning or prolouge) creates interest in me.
Thanks for the explanation. Even though I still don’t get it. 😉
CATE: I’m going to critique your first revised paragraph because it grabbed me more than your final one.
_____________________________________________________
They brought him to me in chains, stood him in front of my cell. His lips were torn and bloody, face bruised, shirt crusted red. His eyes chilled when he saw me.
“David.” He shook his head. “No.” Looked to the guards. “I’ll tell you anything, let him go!”
______________________________________________
I love this first line. I know the beginning you’re considering seems harsh, but if the harshness fits with the tone of the book you might as well let the reader in on it from the start.
I think “chilled” is not the best word to describe the Guardian’s eyes. To me it connotes ‘cold and unfeeling.’ Something more descriptive of what’s going on in his heart might work better. Like “melted”. Okay. That’s hokey, but you see what I’m suggesting.
“Looked to the guards.” confuses me a bit. I’m not immediately sure which of the two characters is looking. I know you probably want to avoid repetition of the pronoun, “he” (I cringe all the time in my own writing over that predicament) but here I think you need it. You could break the repetition a little by beginning the sentence with “Then.” “Then he turned to the guards.” Or something like that.
Though I love the way you begin this scene–I can really visualize it and it grabs me–I wonder if at the end you are making the Guardian give in to the guards a little too easily and too soon. Something in me says, “Oh well. He’s giving in. What can happen after that.” I know you’ll have David rebel against that reaction, but I still don’t see much tension more than an argument between two allies who care about each other and their common goal. Could you develop more tension between the guards and the Guardian before he has a chance to give in? Or between the guards and David.
Just a thought. This is a book I would want to read, even if the gore might freak me out.
HEATHER: I think this is great writing. I like the first opening but I’d leave off the first sentence and begin with the second. If you want to get “hot” into your description you could just say “hot cliffs” in the second sentence, or some more precisely descriptive word there.
Though I am grabbed more by the first paragraph, if your MC is the woman, you might should begin with her POV, rather than the objective POV you’ve used in paragraph one. You might use paragraph one–the beginning at least–then have her hop in with her perspective on the scene at some point early on.
RANDY said I could re-submit my first paragraph if I wanted and I do. My first submission is waaaaaay back in the our stream of consciousness but if you remember the “Stunned astronauts” and the “big bang” that destroyed the world, you’ll be able to slip in here. I’ve stepped back five hours before the big bang. What do y’all think of this new beginning:
________________________________________
Zinovy looked at his watch and groaned. Five more hours. (italics) I cannot stand the wait. I must leave this place. (italics) Not that returning to earth would solve anything. He was going back to nothing. No family, no friends, and if Special Security Services had anything to say about it, no future either. But anything was better than his exile on this dinosaur of a space station.
______________________________________
Thanks.
Cate, I like both of the new paragraphs. I know that’s not very helpful. Sorry. 8(
Ginny, I like that you’ve got conflict right away, but it seems to lack some zip. I think I’d like to be a little more in the character’s head before he starts listing how pathetic he is.
But your last sentence is wonderful. I love the dinosaurs reference given that the world he knows is about to be extinct. Beautiful.
CARRIE: I see what you mean about lack of zip. I’ve been thinking about BONNIE FRIESEN’s suggestion earlier that a book could start with a hook in the middle of action, then go back to the beginning of the story. That’s what I’m working on now. We’ll see how it goes.
The link between dinosaurs and extinct slipped right past me. Clever, aren’t I? Without knowing it.
Ginny, thanks so much for your input!!! I don’t think anyone has really read or critiqued my creative writing since high school so this is exciting. I’ve given Cassandra another shot – see below. My hope was to have a shortish prologue with this set up that explains that greece has won the wars against persia (btw I was writing this *before* the 300 movie came out, haha) and intoduces one of the MCs, and then next part of the story – the *real* frontstory – occurs two years later and MC’s alternate.
It seems that you have been faced with a similar dilemma to mine – your first “first paragraph” with more zing and the second including mc but not as gripping. I really liked the first paragraph, but debating how to get Zinovy in there. Is there an event that has occurred earlier that same day so that we can go through it with Zinovy, hearing some of his earth-related thoughts maybe, and then the boom? If you do stick with the structure of the first paragraph, I have one minor grammatical suggestion – I would put a ; here: “it was not the explosion that held them frozen in disbelief; the blinding flash…”
alright, here goes:
“Our lives are forever changed, my friends.” As Cimon gestured to the doting throng below him, a single tear found a course down his glowing cheek. Knowing Cimon, he would have planned for a dramatic effect of this sort to occur precisely at this moment, synchronized with the magnitude of his rich words. What appeared to be a single reticent manifestation of a profusion of emotions within could, in fact, have been a bead of sweat. It was the sort of steamy afternoon where chitons clinged to bodies and children scampered to the shaded, curtained safety beneath their mothers’ folded arms. But the crowd of Athenians, swollen with similar internal profusions, was all too eager to believe in the power of the courageous tear of their shining general, a tear that represented the battles they had all waged and the hope they could once again embrace.
Cassandra smiled to herself; of all people, she knew what it was like to luxuriate in every one of Cimon’s words, anticipate every expression or gesture as one anticipates that first bite of a particularly sumptuous-looking honey cake. But by the end of his speech, her adoration had turned like goat’s milk left out too long, and she found herself pushing back through the shifting sea of robes, aware of nothing but the echo of his words in her sunburnt ears.
Wow, Heather! I love what you’ve done to this opening. It’s a grabber, for sure, and I think you do a perfect job of setting the stage and bringing Cassandra in. A couple of suggestions: Can you get rid of “knowing Cimon?” I’m not sure how to do it, but this doesn’t quite work for me. Maybe just begin with “He would have planned for something…” but I’m not sure that does it either. Also suggest a comma after “turned, like goat’s milk left out” (great simile too!!)
And your suggestion for me: “Is there an event that has occurred earlier that same day so that we can go through it with Zinovy, hearing some of his earth-related thoughts maybe, and then the boom?” is exactly where I’m going now. Thanks!
I suppose I chose “knowing Cimon” because Cassandra actually does know Cimon intimately and is not just an average spectator. But perhaps it’s inappropriate, since the first paragraph is more objective, before Cassandra’s introduction. Anyways, I’ll think about it 🙂