All good things must come to an end, and I think it’s time to wrap up our critiques of first paragraphs submitted by my loyal blog readers. We’ve been critiquing these for a few weeks now, and it’ll soon be time to move on to a new topic.
Today, I’ll critique one by Stephaniemeg:
One hour and fifty-nine minutes.
Kevin Ramsey sank his hands deep into the fleece lined pocket of his hoodie. His fingers, stiff with cold, clasped onto the folded bus ticket. In less than two hours, he would be free – and for the first time in control of his life.
Randy sez: This is very good. It sets the stage, introduces our main character, and hints at the story. I think it’s strong the way it’s written. I have a few minor points that might sharpen it up:
* Is it a single pocket or does his hoodie have two pockets?
* It should be “clasped the folded bus ticket” rather than “clasped onto the folded bus ticket.” Omit needless words, as they say.
* I wonder if it might be better to say he “sank his hands into the fleece lined pocket of his hoodie.” When you sink your hands in, it’s implicit that they’ll go “deep.”
Loyal blog readers, what do you think? Anything else you see in this paragraph?
Something to play with: Try different word orders for the last half of the last sentence. The end of the sentence is (according to Joseph M. Williams’s wonderful book Style) the “power position.” That’s the place to put the words with the greatest impact. And that goes double for the end of the last sentence in a paragraph.
I’m not sure which words give the biggest oomph at the end of the paragraph. Maybe, as Stephaniemeg has it, “in control of his life.” But maybe “for the first time,” as in “and in control of his life for the first time.”
Does Kevin’s being free equate to being in control of his life? If so, one of those conditions is redundant, and you can remove whichever one has less strength.
Again, I’m not sure whether my suggestions are improvements. But try them and see what gives the sentence and the paragraph the strongest ending.
Dale, I didn’t know that about the ‘power position’ being at the end of the sentence and paragraphs, but I have noticed that I find myself doing this anyway, especially when revising and have wondered why. It’s good to have ‘validation’ from a superior source. I will be putting Joseph Williams ‘Style’ book on my list to buy. I’ve just received Brandylin Collins’ ‘Getting Into Character’ – yesterday – so I’m looking forward to reading that next! Anyway, thanks for the tip, even if you meant it for Stephaniemeg! Ann
I thought it was a great first paragraph. I especially liked the EXACT time reference: one hour and fifty-nine minutes. HA! Now there’s someone who’s stressed and counting minutes.
Nice job, Stephaniemeg!
I, too, think the exact time reference was a powerful opening. It shows great tension. The thing that struck me even before finishing the paragraph was the word “sank.”
It seems passive. You might sink in exhaustion, but Kevin is tense and excited. What about “shoved” as an alternate?
I’ve enjoyed reading these posts. First paragraphs will make it or break it when it comes to getting an editor’s attention. I especially liked ‘His fingers, stiff with cold, clasped onto the folded bus ticket.’ This gave me a sense of time, that it must be winter and the only thing this poor guy has is a fleece-lined hoodie. I picture his fingers reddened by the cold. Clasping the ticket shows he has hope for a better life. I thought it was very good.
I have been studying the paragraph for the past twenty eight minutes and thirty four seconds but I really can’t see anything else worth mentioning. I can’t even convert it into MRU’s. 🙁
This is a nice use of quick, short sentences. (I like short sentences too)
I agree that you could omit “deep”, “onto”. I would also suggest looking at how to omit “In less than two hours”. It sticks out as redundant. And I think it weakens the impact of your opening. It could look something like this:
One hour and fifty-nine minutes.
Kevin Ramsey sank his hands deep into the fleece lined pocket of his hoodie. His fingers, stiff with cold, clasped onto the folded bus ticket. Freedom. And control over his life for the first time.
You’d play with it more, but I think “first time” is a nice punch at the end.
Good job on this.
First off, I want to say thanks Randy!!! I appreciate the suggestions to tighten it up. I read this paragraph enough times I would have missed the most obvious mistakes.
Thanks to everyone else for your comments and suggestions. I appreciate them all.
It’s been great reading all the first paragraph crits. I feel like I’ve learned something from all of them. Now I just have to make the other 69,500 words in my MS as strong as the first 50, LOL.
Thanks again!!!! This has been wonderful.
I’m struggling with something at the moment that might create a new topic unless someone wants to help me out here–though I must say I’ve enjoyed the first paragraph critiques. If I’d come in sooner, I might have submitted one myself.
I’ve started a new project recently, and while it was freshly boiling, I started a snowflake and progressed with it up until the point where I couldn’t resist working my new characters into scenes (at stage 6), and I started the first chapter. It clicked and I kept writing, even though I hadn’t really fleshed my snowflake out very much.
I think it’s a good main plot and I have a handful of strong characters, but I think that I may not have enough story threads. It’s a traveling story and I start out in one location and proceed through a disaster that forces the beginning of the trip, which is what I’ve written so far in five chapters and five different povs (all of whom will eventually end up in the traveling party–which at least gives me some branches on the main story until all the POV characters rejoin).
Now, I’m afraid that the trip itself and the resulting destination is not enough for the whole story, and I’m also concerned that I may have too many POVs. In addition to the main reason for the journey, there is a love triangle between three of the five characters, and a fourth character is a father of one of the three and is dealing with a past that makes the journey personally difficult. But somehow that doesn’t seem to be enough.
Perhaps I’m just second guessing myself or maybe it’s a real problem. I guess my question is how can you tell if you’ve got to many POVs, and do you need characters in other locations to keep interest or can you follow one close knit group through a series of adventures without any other dominant story line?
Sigh … now that I’ve asked the question, I’m already thinking it’s a stupid one. I probably do have enough story lines, and I’m just unsure if I’m starting in the right place with the right character (always a problem with me) and whether my proposed ending is sufficient (the main reason I rarely finish anything). Nevermind my Freshman paranoia–I should just go back and finish my snowflake. 🙂
Whoa, Steph – we’re at the same word count, and same need. I still have about 10k to go and crunching to strengthen overall. Congrats on your progress!
What’s next, Randy? I’m about ready to rewrite some chapters needing alteration, then hit layering, deepening, strengthening & polishing.
Diane – *breathe* You have a couple of choices here. Finish the story or stop now and finish your snowflake.
Your question about characters in other places is a good one. I suppose it depends on what you’re doing with your tight knit group. It’s also a personal preference. Me, I like having the reader know what’s going on in other places. It heightens tension when the reader knows something the protagonist doesn’t. But it depends on the storyline and what you want to accomplish.
Randy, this might be a good topic to visit.