We’ve been critiquing first paragraphs for a few weeks now and I think it’s time to move on. So this will be the last one. I haven’t decided exactly what we’ll talk about next, but I’ll think about it over the weekend.
Here is Parker’s first paragraph of his novel:
The San Isidro church loomed a dark hulk against the gray sky. The moon and Venus hung just over the bell tower. Paul came at dawn. He watched the old men and women shuffle to early Mass, coats and scarves pulled tight against the sharp morning air. Six times the bell shattered the clear air. Six times the echo resounded off the mountains. And six times quivers pulsed up his spine.
Randy sez: A very fine first paragraph! You have captured a very strong sense of place, and that’s always a plus. Let’s look at this sentence by sentence:
The San Isidro church loomed a dark hulk against the gray sky.
Randy sez: This creates an immediate mood that I like. There are several emotive words here that all tell the same story: “loomed” and “dark” and “hulk” and “gray”. The one issue I have is the phrase “loomed a dark hulk”. It seems to me there should be a comma after “loomed.”
The moon and Venus hung just over the bell tower.
Randy sez: Good, this adds nicely to the mood.
Paul came at dawn.
Randy sez: This is good, but I think a stronger verb might strengthen this sentence. Did Paul stagger, shuffle, creep, sidle, amble, or glide? I think you can find a verb that captures the gray mood you’ve established.
He watched the old men and women shuffle to early Mass, coats and scarves pulled tight against the sharp morning air.
Randy sez: Good, I can see this in pretty sharp detail.
Six times the bell shattered the clear air.
Randy sez: A nice strong verb there–shattered. And this is the beginning of a repetition of the phrase “Six times”, which pulls in the power of the Rule of Three that we talked about last week.
Six times the echo resounded off the mountains.
Randy sez: Good, but could it be better? Could that verb “resounded” be chosen to fit the mood better?
And six times quivers pulsed up his spine.
Randy sez: Nice nouns and verbs there: “quivers” is a good noun; “pulsed” is a visceral verb; “spine” is just the right body part for quivers to be pulsing up. My one question is this: Do we need the “And” at the beginning? Would it work better to start “Six time…” for this sentence?
Notice that Parker has resisted the urge to tell us extraneous details. We don’t know what year it is. We don’t know Paul’s last name, nor his mission here, nor why he hates his mother. We know just enough to be intrigued. Dang! I want to read the rest of this chapter and see if it lives up to the first paragraph.
Go ahead, loyal blog readers, and see if you can tweak Parker’s paragraph a bit to sharpen it up. Also, I am still taking suggestions for our next topic of discussion, so feel free to leave a comment if you’ve got something burning.
Yes, I would want to read on too, to find out why the ringing of the bell had such a dramatic effect on this character. I’m not clear if the ‘speaker’ is Paul or someone watching and seeing Paul arrive at dawn. Maybe the ‘early’ before Mass could go, as we already know it is dawn?
A nice surprise to wake up to this morning. I didn’t expect you to get around to critiquing my first paragraph, much less to offer compliments.
I agree that I can save a word by dropping “And” at the beginning of the last sentence. Thanks.
One question though: You said “We don’t know Paul’s last name, nor his mission here, nor why he hates his mother.” What gave you the impression he hates his mother? Actually, as the story develops, we learn that Paul hates his father, or more accurately, is intimidated by Father’s strong military demeanor.
What to talk about next? Dialog gets my vote, but I think the choice is yours, Randy.
Parker, I think randy was just using that as a fictitious example of what else we don’t know – or need to know in this first paragraph.
I liked the paragraph. However, I really don’t like the word “hulk.” Sorry, I’ve seen too much of the big green guy, and every time I see this word of think of the Incredible Hulk. But, that’s my problem I guess…ha!
The use of MRUs seems logical to me. However, I have been told they are formulaic and not to use them. What’s a newbie to think?
In my humble view, this is one heck of an opening paragraph. Lynda, I have no doubt that, when in doubt, go for those pesky little things!!!!!
I second Parker’s vote.
Yes, Parker, a great start to the day. Good work. A similar mood to Stephaniemeg’s paragraph, but going another direction.
I’ve seen the moon and Venus hanging together in the early dawn.
I like the simple: “Paul came at dawn.” It’s a breather between the mysterious opening and the visual of the old people arriving on a crisp, clear morning. I feel that.
I like “for early Mass” as well. Mass will undoubtedly be said a number of times that day, and even though we know it’s dawn, “early Mass” seems right.
As for the “shattering,” that seems perfect. It’s early, it’s quiet, it’s clear. A bell would shatter the atmosphere, startling anyone close below it, regardless of inner conflict.
I don’t think the opening needs to be someone watching. Isn’t it simply the “omniscient storyteller” (can’t think of the term for it–not enough coffee yet) who doesn’t have a POV?
That might be a subject for a brief discussion–that unnamed seer who takes us from one character, one scene, one chapter to another. I know “he” can’t inject his own viewpoint, nor can he refer to something coming up in the future. Are there rules for this narrative tool?
Anyway, congratulations Parker, on a great start.
Kudos, Parker. Excellent start and great mood-setting word choices. My crit group would nail me if I used the word “air” twice like that, but you modified it a little differently each time, so I don’t think it’s redundant.
Deepening, Layering & Polishing, Randy? As writing topics, I mean…not salon talk.
I love this paragraph. It’s intriguing and quite descriptive without being heavy. I especially like the last line, with the quivers pulsing up his spine.
Randy wondered if you could modify that a little. Maybe something besides pulsing. Something more sharp since the bell shattered the air and resounded off the mountains.
Six times quivers shot up his spine.
Six times his spine resonated.
Or change it up a bit: Six times the bell shattered the clear air. Six times the echo resounded off the mountains. And with each peal, his spine resonated in response.
WOW! Thanks for all the positive feedback. It came at a time when I really needed it. (As I’m sure you all understand)
Ann: I tried dropping the “early before Mass, but read aloud, I think it adds to the rhythm. And, as Lois points out, there may be several Masses that morning.
D. E. Hale: Thanks for pointing out that Randy was using hating his mother as an example. After a few more cups of coffee it makes more sense. Sorry about hulk, but I still kinda like it. (Guess the Incredible Hulk was never big in my life, thus no negative connotations.)
Lynda: Are you referring to this opening paragraph, or MRU’s in general?
Daan: Thanks for your support.
Lois: Thanks for standing with me on “shattered” and the omniscient narrator.
Camille: Yeah, sometimes we can break the rules and get away with it. I often think back to the time Taos author John Nichols told me “There are no rules.” I’ve come to think the ultimate rule is to make the words work.
Pam: Yeah, I tried variations but keep coming back to quivered.
FYI: I’m currently rewriting the last quarter of the novel based on a manuscript evaluation by Cynthia (Cinny) Green of www.thema.us. First time I’ve dared to spend the money for her services and I was very impressed with her insights and reasonable cost. If you should check her out, be warned that her website is a bit too sparse, but her edits rock.
I would love to hear more discussion on deepening and strenthening the novel after the first draft. How do you decide what and where to add? How do you weave in subplots seamlessly?
Re yesterday’s paragraph critique, I think the part about being in control is more powerful than that it’s the first time. Power drives people.
Me again. I’ve been thinking about the suggestion for Parker to use resonated–this seems to me to be too soft and sweet, not fitting the mood being described. I also like the image of hulk–reminds me of a battered shipwreck. As for other elements, like early mass and at dawn, I think each adds to the scene and should stay.
Re: the verb “pulsed”. When I imagine myself having shivers involuntarily quaking my spine, they feel like pulses. They ripple. They course. They chase each other like ocean waves dying on the sand. In short, they pulse.
Re: next topic. I’m still voting for MRUs and will continue to do so until Randy gets so sick of me asking that he covers them just to make me go away! LOL
I think what might make this paragraph more striking is if the first two sentences are somehow enhanced (elongated) to provide a contrast to the third sentence, “Paul came at dawn.” Maybe even add another descriptive sentence in there before the action of Paul’s entrance. Reading it aloud, it would seem to have more flow to me. Also I notice quite a few “the”s in the “six times” sequence, but not sure how you could vary that.
by the way – I like “pulsed” a lot..not as enthusiastic about “hulk” but it’s not bad either 🙂
I like your paragraph too, Parker. With Randy’s corrections. As for Ann’s question on who the ‘speaker’ is, I assume the POV is Paul’s because shivers up the spine are a rather personal thing.
I like the paragraph, too, especially the way the last three sentences let us know that Paul has some important knowledge that others don’t share. Shadowy foreshadowing!
I am puzzled about the the first few sentences. At what exact moment, and from whose POV, do we see the moon and Venus just over the bell tower?
We see the scene, and then Paul comes. This reads as if Paul came after we saw the view. If that’s the case, then from whose POV did we see the view? (There’s only a small spot from which the moon and Venus would appear “just over the bell tower.”)
If we see the moon and Venus from Paul’s POV, then “Paul came” may not be the right tense. “Paul had come at dawn” would solve that problem. (But it may create other problems, such as suggesting that as of those first two sentences it’s no longer dawn. How visible would the moon and Venus be as the sun rises, or after it rises?)
A detail you might find useful: If both the moon and Venus are near each other in the sky, then the moon must be barely a sliver. Venus always appears pretty close to the sun, so for the moon to appear near Venus, the moon must be more or less between the earth and the sun. In that position, the moon appears as a sliver when viewed from Earth.
Lois, I don’t think an omniscient narrator works here. There’s only a small area from which the moon and Venus would appear to be “just over the bell tower,” so the description suggests a narrator observing from that very specific location.
Hi Parker. Thanks for submitting your work!
My notes on your paragraph:
– unless you’re heading into sci-fi, I found refs to moon and Venus distracting, whether it occurs in real life or not. I’m thinking the moon alone would be fine. Otherwise I get this Science class panorama thing going in my head.
– not sure the repetition of six, six, six works as a tension-builder for me; makes me a little too aware of writer intervention/manipulation, taking me out of the story. Using “And…” in the last line was what really took the melodrama over the top for me.
– you’d actually be fine if you dropped one out of every two subjects in each of your lines, IMO. For example, drop “Venus”, drop “men”, drop “coats” and suddenly the picture gets much clearer.
– Of “loom” and “hulk,” loom alone gets my vote. I’d drop hulk faster than a large green superhero. 😉
– I think “Paul came at dawn” confuses your timeline, because it’s unclear if dawn was a while ago, or if dawn is still happening. (On the one hand Paul arrives at dawn, and he’s now watching people and listening to bells so time has passed. But on the other hand, the sky is still gray, the moon is still in the sky, and its cold the way it probably would be at dawn.
Thanks again, and keep up the good work.
RANDY! Since you’re thinking over the weekend, I consider this my opportunity to beg you to address issues of POV. Of course I have no idea how you’ll do this successfully without looking at longer works, but nonetheless I would be fascinated to see you attempt it, and to read your comments on the subject.
Instead of a comma after loomed I think that there should be a like. If it were only a comma, we’d have no idea what it loomed over, making it confusing and awkward.
As for the next topic, I vote characters. Maybe you can even help us flesh out some of them, even though this would be very difficult. Of course, you wouldn’t be the one fleshing them out, just identifying their problems and where and how that person needs to get to know them better.
For all you ACFW members, I just went over to the members site and nominated Randy for Mentor of the Year. I love my teacher! 🙂 Get over there now, everybody, and do the same! (And no, Randy didn’t pay me to do this.) Log in to the members site and look for the link at the top for nominating Mentor of the Year! I hope OUR teacher WINS!
Dale asked a question about how visible would the moon be afer dawn. From personal experience, very definitely yes! You reminded me that I went out for a walk before dawn one very wintry morning. I went down a steep lane (with a torch) that gradually banks up on either side until you can’t be seen for the banks, which, as they grow, become tree’d on either side. At the bottom of the lane is a lake. As dawn breaks, the lake appears as swirling mist, which gradually rises, revealing the water. On this particular day, dawn gave way to a totally clear bright blue sky, with a full white moon.
I have to jump back in for a moment. I’m up well ahead of dawn 365 days a year and to the east have a panoramic view of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains. Many mornings I have seen a sliver of moon and the planet Venus hanging together low over the mountains shortly before sunrise. This would have to be one or two days after a new moon.
The image of the San Isidro church as a “dark hulk” comes from the massive adobe St. Francis de Asis church in Ranchos de Taos, NM. Wish I had a photo to paste in here.
POV? My intent is that of the omniscient narrator.
My hearty thanks to all of you who have weighed in here. The variety of opinions exemplify just how subjective this writing/reading business is.
Hi Ann,
Yes, a nearly full moon would be quite visible as it sets into the horizon opposite the rising sun.
But in this scene, the moon can’t be full. Venus is always relatively near the sun. If the moon is in the direction of Venus, then it’s also in the direction of the sun. In that case, it’s illuminated from the far side, and is visible only as a crescent.
What I didn’t know was whether that crescent would be bright enough to be visible near dawn. I got my answer from Wikipedia, which has a picture of Venus and the moon at dusk (with Venus as the Evening Star). The crescent moon is quite visible. It would be similar at dawn (with Venus as the Morning Star).
Sorry Parker. I was referring to Randy’s next topic.
Karla: Hear! Hear! You think there is a chance for me, being a South African, to become a temporary member before the voting closes?
This is a darkly evocative paragraph. It first makes me think that Paul is predatory and dangerous, but by the end I am wondering if he is fearful and I got it wrong. You might want to check if my reaction is shared by others.
I reacted against using both loomed and hulk, pick one. And the suggestion “like a dark hullk” makes the foreboding character of the tower too much a simile for an old shipwreck. “loomed dark against the gray sky” seems to me to enrichen the text with simplicity.
The moon’s position… The word “just” is a weak word. People use “just” to lessen the impact of their words, as in “I just want to know…” etc. Use “tight” or “close” or similar as a stronger alternative for how the moon and Venus are constellated against the tower.
About Paul, a suggested change – “Paul was there at dawn” Let the reader make up his/her own mind on whether he arrived at dawn or he was there hours before. This ambiguity raises the tension without any effort on the part of the author.
The “six” sentences are a bit heavily worded for me, and although “quivers” and “pulsed” are both evocative words, together they fight each other. This is where you might want to use words that allow me to more accurately read his mood. Is this man threatening or fearful? One powerful word per sentence in this triplet will be sufficient.
I like the visual of the moon and Venus being visible in the pre-dawn sky.
As for the grouping of sixes, some people may not like it, but it’s Parker’s voice. Even though we’re giving opinions and doing some critiquing, we should not try and change Parker’s voice.
I’m not criticizing anyone … it’s just something that struck me while I was reading through the comments.
That could be something we talk about, Randy. How do you keep your voice through the critique process?
By the dates of the older comments, I don’t know if this will be read, but I had a question regarding this paragraph and the rules for MRUs. Does it follow those rules or not? The whole paragraph seems to be Motivation except for the “He watched…” and, very obviously, the last sentence.
I realize “He watched…” could be basically dropped with only a minor tweak from “shuffle” to “shuffled”, (Old men and women shuffled to early Mass…) and that would remove it from being POV. But it seems the last sentence would need to be put into a new “Reaction” paragraph. But that breaks the rhythm of the 3 “Six times…”.