I am continuing to critique samples of writing that my loyal blog readers have posted here. For those of you who may be just tuning into this blog, we’re discussing those infamous “Motivation-Reaction Units” and you can read the theory about them in my article on Writing The Perfect Scene.
Today, it’s Doraine’s turn. Here’s what she posted:
Thanks Randy. This is a very helpful discussion. Here’s an excerpt from my Middle Grades novel. Four friends have named themselves The Menagerie. They are at the school playground near dark one night and see boys throwing paint on the school. Margaret is the main POV character.
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The other two tossed their empty cans on the grass and ran toward the darkest corner of the school yard.“Duck!” Tyrone whispered.
The Menagerie flattened themselves against the hill. Margaret felt like a hand was reaching into her chest and twisting her insides around until she couldn’t breathe at all.
Footsteps pounded above them. None of them dared to move.
Margaret tried to force breath back into her lungs, but there seemed no room inside her body for anything besides her pounding heart.
Tyrone sat up. Lily squirmed to her knees. Agatha propped up on her elbows, put both hands on her pigtails and pulled at them.
“Huugghh,” Agatha said, disgusted. “I can’t believe they did that. How awful.”
Margaret lay with her face in the grass, still trying to breathe.
“You okay?” Agatha nudged her with her elbow.
At the touch, something inside Margaret snapped like a rubber band and air rushed back into her lungs like water rushing over a broken dam. She choked, rolled to one side, and sucked in great gasps of air between coughs that shook her entire body.
Randy sez: This is nicely done! Let’s look at each Motivation-Reaction pair in turn:
Motivation #1:
The other two tossed their empty cans on the grass and ran toward the darkest corner of the school yard.
“Duck!” Tyrone whispered.
Reaction #1:
The Menagerie flattened themselves against the hill. Margaret felt like a hand was reaching into her chest and twisting her insides around until she couldn’t breathe at all.
Randy sez: The Motivation comes in two parts, one from the vandals, the second from Tyrone, who is Margaret’s friend but is not the POV character. Doraine has wisely put these in two separate paragraphs. The Reaction is also in two parts. The group all drop to the ground, including Margaret. Then she has a delayed emotive response, which is why it is shown AFTER the hit the ground. Margaret is either having a panic attack or asthma. In either case, it’s a good solid visceral “showing” of what she’s feeling.
Motivation #2:
Footsteps pounded above them. None of them dared to move.
Reaction #2:
Margaret tried to force breath back into her lungs, but there seemed no room inside her body for anything besides her pounding heart.
Randy sez: Here, I think it might make sense to break that Motivation into 2 paragraphs. It’s kind of a judgment call. In this case, I think it would raise the tempo just a wee bit, which is good. The Reaction here is again very solid–it’s pure physical response. We can feel exactly what Margaret’s feeling.
Motivation #3:
Tyrone sat up. Lily squirmed to her knees. Agatha propped up on her elbows, put both hands on her pigtails and pulled at them.
“Huugghh,” Agatha said, disgusted. “I can’t believe they did that. How awful.”
Reaction #3:
Margaret lay with her face in the grass, still trying to breathe.
Randy sez: Well done! The various parts of this compound Motivation let us see the entire group of kids. Then the Reaction lets us feel again with Margaret exactly what she’s feeling.
Motivation #4:
“You okay?” Agatha nudged her with her elbow.
Reaction #4:
At the touch, something inside Margaret snapped like a rubber band and air rushed back into her lungs like water rushing over a broken dam. She choked, rolled to one side, and sucked in great gasps of air between coughs that shook her entire body.
Randy sez: Excellent! The Motivation this time comes from her friend, and that physical touch is what Margaret needs in order to catch her breath. I’m going to bet this is a panic attack, not asthma, and it sounds to me like Doraine knows what it feels like. (So do I.) This is really good writing, Doraine! Aside from breaking that one paragraph into two, I don’t have any suggestions for improving it.
Wow – what an intense scene. I like it a lot … and I know what a panic attack feels like, too.
I also think that it’s a good idea to put it in your story because many teens/preteens experience panic attacks and you feel so stupid when they’re done. People need to know it’s not their fault and that more people have them than you realize.
Nice job, Doraine. I would totally read your book!
Very clean and clear, Doraine. It’s so fun to see the breakdown on everyone’s writing.
I have one question for Randy: The graph below shows the reactions of Tyrone, Lily and Agatha. It is then followed by Agatha speaking. Should her reaction be in a separate graph along with her dialogue?
“Tyrone sat up. Lily squirmed to her knees. Agatha propped up on her elbows, put both hands on her pigtails and pulled at them.
“Huugghh,” Agatha said, disgusted. “I can’t believe they did that. How awful.”
or …
Tyrone sat up. Lily squirmed to her knees.
Agatha propped up on her elbows, put both hands on her pigtails and pulled at them. “Huugghh,” she said, disgusted. “I can’t believe they did that. How awful.”
Thanks.
Davalynn
Well done, Doraine. I like your “flattened” and the several metaphors, very vivid. Excellent writing.
Randy, like Davalynn mentioned, I get a little confused sometimes about what action/speech of non-pov characters belong together in a paragraph. For example, non-pov is speaking, then maybe an action tag shown with a little deep inner monologue by the pov, and the speaker continues. It seems the dialogue should stay in the same paragraph, but sometimes the pov character observes something about the speaker in the middle. Is that reaction? Sometimes it doesn’t seem right to break the paragraph there and lose speaker attribution.
I tried to find an example of that from mine, but this one stumps me so maybe it will do. Is this both M & R in paragraphs 4 & 6? Should 6 be broken into more paragraphs?
=================
Aunt Grace smiled affectionately at Iain. “No. I’m talking to my great-nephew now.” She turned to Emily. “Have ye met Iain?”
“Um . . . yes, I have.” Emily smiled and took a sideways glance at Iain, who drank his tea without a word. And he’s a wonderfully kind, amazing man . . . and incredibly attractive.
Grace leaned toward Emily. “He’s very handsome, don’t ye think?”
Iain jerked his cup down with a cough just in time to avoid spewing a mouthful of tea. He coughed again, cleared his throat and bent down, setting the cup on the floor. His eyes were fixed on the cup, but the way that devastating smile line next to his mouth deepened made Emily suspect he was waiting to hear her answer.
She smiled, in spite of her burning cheeks. “Yes, quite handsome. But to be honest . . . I’m partial to short, bushy-bearded red-heads.”
Iain turned to her and stared, his mouth open. Emily had to stifle a giggle. But his lips quickly curved into a smile and he burst out laughing, a rich sound that rang across the room. Emily laughed too; she couldn’t hold back. Grace smiled at Iain and chuckled. It didn’t matter to Grace that she had no idea what was so funny; everyone was happy. With her question answered, Grace seemed satisfied and announced she was ready to go to bed.
Randy – I recently purchased Fiction 101 and it is truly amazing and inspiring.
I have a question related to the Perfect Scene, but not specifically to MRU’s – hope that’s OK?
You speak about a novel being a series of Scenes and Sequels. Each Sequel following a Scene and leading us into the next Scene.
What if the novel has several threads going on at one time? It would be possible to have each thread having its own set of Series and Sequels.
I am wondering if there is a guideline as to how we deal with this situation. Can I jump from a Scene for one thread and then to another Scene for another thread before resolving the first Scene with a Sequel? Or do I have to keep the Scenes and Sequels, for each thread, together?
Thanks for your help. I am very happy with Fiction 101 and look forward to applying it to improve my first novel.
Anyone else’s input to my question would also be more than welcome!
And great work Doraine; that passage certainly generates a emotional experience with the reader. It feels like you’re right there with Margaret!
I agree with Pam – as a child mental health therapist, I love this description of a panic attack for the benefit of the kiddies. Now I just wonder how Margaret will cognitively “recover” from her attack 🙂
one thing – maybe take out the second “rushing” to say “air rushed back into her lungs like water over a broken dam”?
Thanks, Randy, and others for the comments. It feels pretty cool to realize that I’m finally beginning to “get” MRUs.
I did wonder about whether Agatha’s dialog should be a separate paragraph or part of the previous one. No particular reason for separating it. It was almost an eeny, meeny, miny, mo choice.
I loved it Doraine!!
I am just embarking on my writing journey after years of just thinking about doing it. It is a daunting task. But with the help of Randy’s fine teaching skills and writers like you, I hope to have more times of great encouragement and fewer times of discouragement.
Again, great writing Doraine!
I think you can do the following for a better result.
Tyrone sat up. Lily squirmed to her knees.
Agatha propped up on her elbows, put both hands on her pigtails and pulled at them. “Huugghh. I can’t believe they did that. How awful.”
The action makes it clear that Agatha is speaking, so no need for the “said” tag. I see no reason to say she is digusted as the context makes that clear, even clear to the young audience.