In my last blog post, I critiqued a couple of one-sentence Storylines submitted by my loyal blog readers, and then I invited comments on a Storyline by Grace, which runs as follows:
A Belfast biologist is forced to run from her own creation — across the real world and into a virtual one, where a strange power wrestles for control of her life.
A number of you gave very insightful appraisals of Grace’s Storyline. Well done, folks! Now let’s try to improve on the Storyline. Grace gave us the back cover copy for the book, which I’ll quote again here:
If you could end world hunger, you’d do it, right? What if governmental experiments caused your miracle fertilizer to become a weapon of mass destruction? Meet Naomi, the Belfast biologist forced to run from her own creation–across the real world and into a virtual one. But there, a strange power wrestles for control of her life.
Randy sez: My philosophy in writing a Storyline is to make the problem clear, without necessarily hinting much at the solution. The problem is that Naomi’s government is messing with her good science and turning it into evil science. Naomi’s solution to the problem is, in part, to flee into a virtual world. This is intriguing, but I don’t understand enough of it to incorporate into the Storyline. Nor do I have a good handle on the “strange power.” So I’ll work with what I have. Here’s my first cut at a revision of Grace’s Storyline:
A Belfast biologist creates a miracle fertilizer that could end world hunger — but her own government uses it to create a weapon of mass destruction.
That’s a little long — it’s 25 words — but it captures Naomi’s essential predicament. It does leave out the extremely intriguing flight into virtual reality and I wish I could see how to capture that, but my brain has turned into oatmeal today after talking to four different mortgage refinancing folks.
Now my challenge for you all, and for Naomi, is to tweak this. Can you make it shorter? Can you capture that bit about the virtual world? Can you do both? Can you make it better? How good can this Storyline get?
To make progress, we’ll need some info from Grace on what forces Naomi into the virtual world. It may turn out that we really don’t need to know anything about the virtual world because it not be essential to the story. I don’t think I understand the story well enough to decide on that point yet.
This exercise highlights the remarkable power of the one-sentence Storyline — it forces you to isolate the most critical parts of your story.
Next time, we’ll wrap up on Grace’s Storyline and tackle the next couple of Storylines on the list of submissions, which has grown to a very large pile in the last week or so.
A Belfast biologist creates a miracle fertilizer to end world hunger, but when the government uses it to create a weapon she flees into a virtual world.
-I left out “mass destruction” because from the blurb it does not seem like the emphasis is on the weapon, but on her existence in the virtual world.
-also it might change how this is structured if she is just ‘fleeing’ or is she pursued?
Okay…what forces Naomi into the spiritual world: the spread of the killer plague. The only safe place is isolated cryogenic stasis which happens to be a virtual reality unit.
This is actually book 2, following on from Faith Awakened in which the virtual reality played a huge role. Here I want to pick it up again but look at it from another angle while telling a different kind of story.
The virtual reality itself is like a dreamworld except that it is more spiritual than ‘out here’, i.e. it is easier to sense God. Unbeknownst to Naomi, her virtual life is being controlled by a friend back in Ireland who wrote a program for her. This part is very much an epilogue to the main action of the story which is Naomi’s fight to survive, but will take up more space than an epilogue usually would. Hmm…nasty lack of tension in the final third of the book. I’ll have to fix that!
So a miracle fertilizer becomes a plague? I’m lost already.
Also, how does her fleeing into the virtual reality save either herself or the world? Unless she hasn’t given all her research, leaving out a critical component. That would force her to run from government agents trying to find that last piece. But wait, you say she is running from the plague itself. Ok, that would save her from the plague, assuming it will burn itself out after a time. Or do all the survivors have to stay in their virtual reality units forever? So much for the human race.
Yet, her friend back in Ireland is controlling her virtual world, implying that s/he is still out in the real world. Are some people immune?
This additional information actually made things *more* murky for me. I could make a clear one-sentence summary with the earlier information, but I don’t think it would be the book you’re writing.
“A biologist flees a plague based on her humanitarian work and into a virtual world where she must fight to survive.”
21 words: too long? It includes more information. I dropped the Belfast, because I couldn’t see how it was integral to the story. Is it? Is it important to note the plague was created by the government?
Kudos, Randy, on the name of today’s post – couldn’t resist could you?
Randy sez: I can never resist an absurd pun.
I agree with Lois, Randy. When I read your title, I wanted to start singing.
My take:
When her miracle-fertilizer turned plague threatens the world, a Belfrast biologist flees to her dangerous virtual world.
It’s 19 words, still a little long, but it incorporates information in the original storyline and the new one.
A Belfast biologist’s cure for world hunger becomes a threat to world peace as she flees from one danger into the grasp of another.
I am also quite confused at this point as to the nature of this novel.
The original summary posits two separate conflicts: 1.) A biologist’s creation has been used against her. 2.) A biologist is in a virtual world she has lost control of her life.
Based on the additional information you provided, I’m not sure if these should be your selling conflicts. Especially since you indicated the ‘strange power’ influencing her life is more of a coda than a principal concern.
It seems like your summary should shift focus slightly:
A Belfast biologist dives into a virtual world to find the cure for a global plague.
This obviously makes several assumptions about your story which I’m not sure are correct, but given your indication that the virtual world aspects are substantial, that they are the only safe haven for the plague, and that inside the virtual world she has a better spiritual sense, I think I’m close.
Anyway, regardless of the details of the story, I definitely suggest finding a single conflict to focus on and provide some reason why the virtual world is important.
Cool! I have been hearing about this all over the place. Congratulations!
Oops. I meant that comment to go on the following blog. You can delete these two if you want!
A biologist creates a new fertilizer to end world hunger; her government uses it to create a plague, now she’s trapped in a virtual world with the cure. (28)
FYI, I’ve been working on this a little more with help from all these comments! Here’s my new, 20-word one-liner:
A Belfast biologist is forced to flee from her own mutant fertiliser–across a continent and into a virtual world.
Thanks so much for the input!