We’re currently analyzing the one-sentence Storylines submitted by my loyal blog readers. Today, we consider the curious case of Carrie’s characters. Carrie has two Storylines, each focusing on a different character:
Here’s the first one:
A demon-banisher must save a young oracle from kidnappers, possibly including her own fiancee.
Here’s the second one:
A man who watched his sister’s murder must battle her killers to save a young girl.
Randy sez: Let’s analyze each of these in turn.
The term “demon-banisher” is a bit awkward. It doesn’t carry much emotive punch, and it’s definitely not a common term. The usual term is “exorcist” and this does carry some emotive punch, especially if the words “Linda Blair” mean anything to you. Since it’s only one word, Carrie could then afford to add an adjective or two to give us more information on this exorcist. There are all sorts of ways to do so: “A witch doctor exorcist” is very different from “A mathematician exorcist” who is in turn very different from “A five-year-old girl exorcist.” There is room here to make this character unique.
As for those pesky kidnappers, what do they want? If they are holding the oracle hostage for release of their fellow freedom fighters, that’s one thing. If they want a million ounces of gold bullion, that’s another. If they want safe passage to Mars, well, now you’re talking real loonies. In any event, telling us what the bad guys want is an inexpensive way to get us to invest emotionally in the story.
I think the word “possibly” here is leeching the very life out of this Storyline, so kill it if you possibly can. 🙂 On second thought, kill it, kill it, kill it. If the fiance is one of the kidnappers, then say so. If it’s really not clear, then leave it out. The Storyline is not the place to fool your readers.
I don’t know the story well enough to fill out this Storyline the way it needs to be. Only Carrie can do that.
In the second Storyline we’ve got a lead character who is “A man.” Those two words are pretty bare. Tell us more about him. Is he an accountant? A professional wrestler? An Elvis impersonator? In any suspense story, it’s very helpful to give us some idea what skills our hero might bring to the table.
This man, however, “watched his sister’s murder.” That’s pretty potent stuff, and this Storyline would be stronger if you backloaded it so that this phrase is at the very end.
The murderers are also threatening a young girl about whom we know nothing. We need to know more. How is this young girl related to the man? What reason might he have for wanting to get involved in a kidnapping (rather than calling in the FBI)? What do the kidnappers want? What are the stakes here–are they personal, city-wide, national, global, or cosmic?
It’s not clear to me if the “young girl” of Storyline 2 is the same as the “oracle” of Storyline 1, but if so, then Storyline 2 might work better as follows:
“A xxx man tries to rescue yyy who has been kidnapped for zzz by the men who murdered his sister.”
Here, you’d need to fill in xxx with something that tells us more about our hero, and you’d want to fill in yyy with something that explains the emotive bond between our hero and the kidnappee. ZZZ tells the reason the men kidnapped the girl, and it may or may not be necessary, depending on what the reason is. If it’s for ransom, that’s not all that exciting and you might want to leave it out. If it’s to bring nuclear ruin to Washington D.C., the stakes are a bit higher and you could definitely stand to leave it in.
When writing a one-sentence Storyline, you want to push whatever emotive buttons you can to arouse fear, desire, rage, empathy, or whatever powerful emotional experience that you can. You also want to arouse curiosity in the prospective reader. You also want to use as few words as possible. That’s not easy. It’s hard, in fact. But it’s worth doing.
WOW! This one analysis has been the most informative lesson I have had in one-sentence analysis.
Question – when you do have more than one protagonist in a book, does it work to have more than one, one-sentence analysis for an agent for example? Or having one clear cut protagonist whose goal is the central drive works better?
Randy sez: I think it would work better to have a single one-sentence Storyline. I suppose there are exceptions, but my instinct is to keep it simple. Try writing a Storyline for each protagonist and then choose the one with more zing.
Thank you, Randy. Exorcist is the word I’ve been looking for. 🙂
I think you’re right about dropping the part about her fiancee. “Was he involved?” is a pretty big issue for her, but in the end the basic quest is “save the oracle”.
An exorcist protects a young oracle from kidnappers who would hold the prophecies ransom.
Looking at the sentances again, I think she’s the more proactive of the pair. Running around feeling guilty about something that happened years ago isn’t quite as compelling to me as going out and catching the bad guys. His issues seem better suited to a subplot.
I think I’ve picked my main character, at least.
Words of wisdom indeed, Randy
Great advice, Randy.
I’ve got a question for you along the lines of deciding between Storylines. How do you pick one above another? Or do you reconcile them into one somehow?
Take for example, Return of the King. We’ve got Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli dealing with army after army, romance, and a returning king. We’ve also got Merry fighting the bad guys with a new friend. Then we have Gandalf and Pippin defending a city from an an army on the outside and corruption on the inside. Oh yeah, and Frodo and Sam are in the heart of evil, trying to save the world without losing their souls.
It seems pretty silly to say: “An interracial group of friends go their separate ways to save the world.” At the same time, picking one Storyline over another will only touch on a fraction of the story!
Randy sez: True enough. Lord of the Rings is a BIG story, and one sentence can only capture so much. So be it. Better to capture one thing well than many things badly.
I think Carrie’s two sentences are about the same characters-just a matter of focusing on the stronger story line.
Jake brings up a good question. I’ve left out reference to an entire sub-story because it isn’t necessary to the one sntence bottom line. However, because I can leave it out of the sentence doesn’t mean I must wipe it out of the story. Right?
Thanks for a great exercise.
Randy sez: Right. Your one-sentence Storyline will focus on only one of the plot threads in the story. Normally, a novel has several threads. They all work together, and they’re all important, but one is more important than the others. Write your Storyline about that one.
@Jake: I think what you would look at is where will the outcome of the conflict be decisive? In the case of the Lord of the Rings, ultimately it comes down to whether or not the One Ring is destroyed, making Frodo’s quest to Mount Doom the Main Plot and all of the other conflicts you listed are subplots that support the Main Plot.
@Carrie: “An exorcist protects a young oracle from kidnappers who would hold the prophecies ransom.” Much improved! Just a personal opinion, though: “who would hold” seems like a somewhat weak phrase to me. Maybe add a little more forcefulness by changing the wording a bit, maybe: “An exorcist protects a young oracle from kidnappers who plan to hold her prophecies ransom.” (Assuming the oracle is a girl – substitute “his” if I’m wrong on that point, of course.) Or maybe you or someone else can think of an even better way. Just an idea! 🙂 Best wishes.
You make it look so easy. I love these critiques and the way you make us think.
Thanks, Melissa. It certainly needs sharpening up, but since I’m still working on what the characters want and what they’re going to do about it, I figure I’ve got time.
Sounds like it’s going good so far! 🙂 Good luck.
Here’s mine
A ‘David’ of a scientist takes on a ‘Goliath’ of a pharmeutical collective.
What is your formula for analyzing? I use:
Justin Dade, a loving husband and doting father, has his life thrust into darkness with the revelation that his wife and daughter were murdered. With his life lingering on the abyss of insanity, Justin gathers the strength to do what must be done…avenge his family’s deaths.
Soliciting the help from unlikely accomplices, Justin travels the road toward revenge, treading carefully around the police investigation that is led by the savvy old veteran, Detective Harry Thorpe.
Time whisks by as Justin attempts to solve the case before the authorities, using resources long ago abandoned, in hopes of satisfying his urge within. As the police drag net closes in, Justin must stay one step ahead.